


Just a Little Rose

by Tovaras



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Bromance, First Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-06
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-11 14:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tovaras/pseuds/Tovaras
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little story about what happened between Alistair and Jowan after the blight. When the templar wishes to check on the man who tried to kill his foster father, and yet regrets it so much, something else sparks between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is half-way following the Dragon Age-series, halfway the baby of me and my rp-buddy, so the story will feature two origin stories, my Theron (who is a Dalish) and her Talaerion (an elfen mage).   
> I do apologize for any confusion this may cause people as both will be mentioned in the story!

If there was one thing Alistair had learned while in the Chantry was that blood magic was bad. It was the worst action a mage could ever do, the worse step they could take and it would lead to nothing good. 

Ever.

So when Theron insisted that they would let the blood mage live AND allow him to help them, Alistair was sure that the world had gone out of alignment. 

This man was a killer, or a would-be-killer, a corrupter of young children and he had attempted to hurt the Arl of Redcliffe.  
Sure, the man pleaded for forgiveness and innocence, told of trickery and threats, but Alistair would not hear of it. 

The man was a blood mage. A maleficar.

Plain and simple.

His view on things were not heard though as Theron offered to escort the blood mage back to the Circle of Magi since Irving and the two other mage’s he had brought wished to remain with Arl Eamon to monitor his condition. 

‘It was on the way anyway,’ Theron had said at the time and despite the loud protest from the templar, the maleficar had joined them. Unshackled. Just the thought of a blood mage on the loose made the hair on Alistair’s neck stand up. The fact that the man had tried to harm his uncle just made it worse and made his mood drop even more, something that did not get past the young Dalish.

“Listen, Alistair,” Theron murmured after just about tugging the templar away from the rest of the group. They had just made camp for the night and dinner was being prepared. The last straw for the Dalish had been Alistair just about breathing down Jowan’s neck as he attempted to help with their dinner, watching his every move for something… Suspicious.

“The way you are acting… It’s getting on everyone’s nerves. And I mean everyone, mine included. Can’t you give the poor man a chance? He is trying to make up for what he did, you know.”

“A chance?” Alistair growled and crossed his arms over his chest, the usually warm and kind eyes now hard and cold. “Theron, the man is a maleficar and he tried to kill my uncle! Hell, we still don’t know if Eamon will be okay, we still have to find that urn! Which is a legend mind you, so we are basically grasping at straws. We should hand him over to the closest templar and-“

“And then what, Alistair? Let him be kicked about all the way back to the Circle where he will await his punishment?” Theron frowned and placed his hands on his hips, trying to make himself look bigger and more threatening. It didn’t really work as planned as he barely reached the templar to his chin and that was only counting the way his hair stood up at the back. “The man was tricked by Loghain. You know the big baddie we are chasing? Based on what he’s told us, anyone would have done as he told and he was supposed to be a hero for you shems, wasn’t he? People looked up to him. It’s easy for us to judge because we know the truth, but he didn’t!”

“That doesn’t matter! He tried to kill a good man and he’s using blood magic!” Alistair retorted, making Theron groan softly.

“By the dread wolf, were you even listening to him? He didn’t use blood magic on the Arl or on Connor! He poisoned him, which means that he can still be saved, now that the demon is out of the way! We just need to hurry up some!”

“Theron! Blood magic! Malifecarum! Bad news, Theron, bad news!”

“Now you are just repeating yourself, Alistair. I heard you the first time, the second and the hundred times after that and guess what. I don’t care, Alistair. I don’t care. I want to help him, I believe in his innocence! By the dread wolf, you didn’t complain this much when Zevran joined us. Heck, you were quieter when Morrigan came along!”

Alistair opened his mouth to speak, but in the end backed down. Seeing Theron, the usually quiet and mild Dalish elf getting this agitated… Well, Alistair wasn’t about to ruin their friendship over a quarrel. Even if the Dalish was wrong.

“Never mind then,” he finally said, lifting his hands in a silent defeat. “We’ll do it your way then. But if I wake up dead, I am blaming you.”

“If you wake up dead, blame me all you want. All I am saying is to give Jowan a chance. You haven’t even talked to him, haven’t once attempted to find out who he is. And trust me, you may be surprised.”

“Surprised, eh?” The templar looked sceptical. “You sound like you’ve already had a few words with him.”

“Quite a few in fact,” Theron replied, turning away from his friend to walk back to their camp. “And so far, I like who I’ve been talking to. Far more than I enjoyed this discussion.” He stopped up and looked over his shoulder at Alistair. “Just give him a chance,” he repeated. “That is all I ask.”

Those words would haunt Alistair, even as the blight ended.

He had not been able to talk to Jowan or give him much of a chance as they guided him back to the Mages Tower, nor did he give him much thought as they moved on, always pushing in order to resolve the blight before it would wipe Ferelden off the map.

And then the blight ended.

They had done what pretty much everybody had thought could not be done. They had united the different regions, races and believes of the land; mages, Dalish, humans and dwarfs. All fighting together to end the Blight.

Lives had been lost and Alistair knew that he would always have a special spot for them all in his heart. Sacrifices had been made, sacrifices that he thought maybe hadn’t been completely necessary, but they had been done because the people had believed in what had been done.

He had grown with each experiences, having grown wiser, able to see further than he had before. He had seen, he had learned and he had become able to see further than the tip of his own nose when it came to people and their choices.

He had learned about Loghain and his reasons for doing what he did. While he did not agree with his decisions and what it ultimately had leaded to, he understood.  
He had gotten to know so many people, different and yet so alike when it came to their goals. Some wanted to protect their people. Some wanted revenge. Some simply wanted to help.

Some were just desperate.

Which was why seeing Jowan again on the battlefield was such a huge surprise.

The mage hadn’t just been in Denerim, fighting the darkspawn, he had been up in the tower, facing the Arch Demon along with the other mages and while Alistair could see the fear on his face, he still held his ground. He still fought as fiercely as the rest and even as much as Alistair stared, he did not see any attempt at blood magic. He saw fire, he saw the warm, familiar glow from healing spells, but even as the ground beneath their feet got covered in blood, not a drop of it was used by the Malifecarum.  
The man was good; Alistair had to give him that. Even if Jowan had claimed not to be a fighter while in the dungeon in Denerim, he still did his part, despite his own fear.   
Alistair could relate. Nobody could be so near the Arch Demon and not feel afraid. He was surprised that his own armour was relatively dry once the battle was over, especially when Theron leaped to give the old God the final blow.

So when the worse of the attention had died down, Alistair had made up his mind.  
When he told Theron that he wished to go to the Tower to talk to Jowan, Theron had only smiled and offered him company, which had been declined. It was time to actually get some answers on his own.

“Will you be gone for long, Alistair?”

The templar had told him that he didn’t know. The ride from Amaranthine, the new home for the Grey Wardens, to Lake Calenhad would take at least a couple off days by horse, and only if he pressed both himself and the animal a bit hard. And since the trip would take so long, he also planned on remaining there for a little while.   
Theron suggested that he could make the trip officially as well as privately and use the opportunity to ask Irving if a few of the mages could be considered for the Grey Wardens. Their aid would be of grave importance for the broken Order, especially since their ranks currently consisted of himself, Alistair, Oghren, a run-away mage from the circle by the name of Anders and a pissed-off Nathaniel Howe who’d sworn revenge for his father.  
The rest of their merry little band of misfits had all gone their separate ways, some promising to return and others moving to find their own path in life.  
Alistair was only glad to have that excuse, feeling that his own was so insignificant that it was embarrassing, even if it was important to him.

So the templar set off towards the Circle of Magi, a small bag with a list of people that was of interest for the Wardens and his mind swirling with questions. By the time he reached the lake, he had an entire list of his own with them.

The trip had thankfully been uneventful, taking two days as expected thanks to good weather. He had been lucky enough to make it to the inns during his journey so he had a good meal and a warm bed to strengthen both his resolve and body for the upcoming events. 

The second he took a step into the boat though, Alistair felt his resolve crumble and the closer he got to the tower, the more and more it smouldered up until he could barely remember why he was there.  
In all honesty, he was a little afraid. Not of the mage, but of himself and what he would do upon seeing the man again. Would he yell at him? Call him names and refuse to listen? The templar liked to think that he had grown a bit since the blight, but the wounds were still fresh. The incident had just about been the salt that had been rubbed into the fresh wounds created from the loss of Duncan and the betrayal of Loghain. 

Maybe they had gotten enough time to heal now. It had been over a year after all.

Not surprisingly, Greagoir was the one to greet Alistair as he reached the docks on the Island, giving him a sharp nod. “Warden.”

“You can call me Alistair, you know,” Alistair replied, giving Greagoir a somewhat sheepish smile as he stepped out of the boat. Greagoir on the other hand just grunted before turning to guide him towards the tower.

“The First Enchanter is awaiting you.”

Ah, so Theron’s letter had reached the tower before him. That would make everything so much easier.

“I take it that he’s either going to strike me down or he’s rallied up the requested mages then?”

Greagoir gave another firm nod as he led Alistair up towards the gates to the tower. “The latter, even if I was tempted to ask him to strike you down. Requesting mages so soon after the blight and our own disaster, its madness.”

“Well, we’re not going to take them all, just one or two. If you want, I can take those that really annoying.”

“Rumour has it that you have already caught and conscripted Anders so that is one annoyance out of the way. Him you can keep with my blessing.” Greagoir let out a grunt. “Maybe now we can actually keep windows open again without anyone jumping out of them, no matter how far up it is.”

“Anders did that?”

“Many times. Usually ended up with a broken leg or two. It is a miracle from the Maker Himself that he never broke his spine.” The templar opened the door and gave a sharp nod for Alistair to go inside.   
“Irving is up by his office. Ask a templar or a mage to show you the way if you don’t remember where it is. I have other things to do than play chaperone for you.”

Alistair nodded and, for good measures, gave Greagoir a quick salute before hurrying inside. 

The tower was pretty much exactly as he remembered it. Templars walking about, giving the mages strict looks. The mages themselves hurrying back and forward, busy with different tasks. There was a tension in the tower still, like everybody still expected for another blood mage to pop out from somewhere or for a demon to tear through the veil.   
Alistair couldn’t really blame them. He still woke up sometimes, expecting to find a darkspawn staring down at him with a wide grin, ready to stab with him its rusty sword.

“Can I help-? … Oh… Hello, ser Alistair.”

Alistair blinked and turned around, feeling his throat go dry as he stared into a pair of familiar grey eyes. 

Jowan.

Well, damn. 

“Ah, eh… Hello… Jowan was it,” Alistair said, trying to smile. “I didn’t expect to see you… Well…”

Jowan gave Alistair a small smile of his own. “In my own mind..? Ser Theron pleaded for my cause and after Anders learned of my situation, he added his own two coppers in my defence. The Arl of Redcliffe, Maker bless him, has also been gracious enough not to demand my head on a silver plate just yet.” He gestured towards the door leading further into the tower. “None the less, the First Enchanter asked to get you and bring you to his office. If you may please follow me…”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Alistair nodded and started walking towards the door, Jowan speeding up ahead of him so he could open it.

The walk up was quiet, the tension between them thick enough to be cut with a knife. Alistair worried at his bottom lip, staring at the back of Jowan’s head as he tried to find something to say. What could he say to the man that had attempted to kill his uncle?

“We are here.”

Almost walking into the blood mage, Alistair woke up from his little chain of thought, staring up at the door belonging to the First Enchanters office. “Ah. I… Thank you, Jowan.”

Jowan bowed his head a little and offered Alistair a small smile. “It was… The least I could do for you, ser Alistair.”

Alistair hesitated for a moment, but as Jowan turned to leave he quickly grabbed his arm, preventing the mage from moving further away. “Wait.”

Jowan gave him a slightly scared look, flitching a little as the large templar grabbed his arm. Alistair let go immediately, his cheeks flaring up. “Sorry, I…” He looked down for a moment before finding the courage to speak up.   
“I, um… I was just…” He let out a small growl before shaking his head firmly and looked up at the man. “We have to talk. Can I see you later tonight?”

The mage looked at Alistair for a moment, uncertainty clear in his eyes. Alistair guessed that Jowan already knew what Alistair wanted to talk about.

“I promise I won’t smite you down or anything,” Alistair added, giving Jowan a small, reassuring smile. It was surprisingly easy to do it.

That made Jowan smile a little as well before nodding. “I… Alright… I am usually at the first floor in the evenings. In the library. Just… Look for a large cluster of templars; I should be in the middle of the group.”

Alistair nodded. “Alright. I will see you then.”

“I will see you then,” Jowan echoed before vanishing down the hall. 

Alistair watched Jowan’s back until it vanished around a corner before taking a deep breath, knocking on Irving’s door. Time to get some work done.


	2. Chapter 2

“Jowan?”

The bloodmage looked up from the book he had been studying, giving Alistair a faint smile as he watched the Grey Warden enter the library. “Alistair. I didn’t think you would…”

“That I would come? It was my suggestion after all,” Alistair replied before looking at the three templars in the room. “Could you give us a little privacy, please..?”

The templars looked at one another before one of them; the largest of the three of course, stepped forward. Alistair wasn’t very impressed, he still towered half a head over the man. Though the templar was wider than him, he would give him that.   
“We have been set to guard the man by the Knight-Commander and we are not to leave our post. Not even by the word of a Grey Warden,” the templar said, his voice echoing inside his helmet.

“Yes, but said Grey Warden needs to talk to him just a little. Can’t you just… Stand outside the room? I promise we will not plot any grand escapes, murders, thefts or anything similar.”

“I am sorry, but we have our orders and we cannot leave our post.”

Alistair sighed softly. “Yes, yes, I heard you, but think about it. I used to be one of you guys. … Kind of. I can subdue him if he gets out of hand and I can holler pretty loudly. I just want a little while alone with him.”

“I am sorry, but-“

“But you have your orders and you cannot leave your post.” Alistair pinched the bridge between his eyes and groaned softly. “Maker’s breath, you guys seem stuck on that one sentence…”

“Excuse me, but…” Jowan cleared his throat and looked up at the guards, biting his bottom lip slightly. “But the Grey Warden has private business with me that really should not be heard by others. If you so desire, you can cuff me, but please… Allow us some privacy. Stand outside the door, like he suggested.”

One of the templars let out a snort. “Now, we are not taking orders from this Warden. Why in the Maker’s name do you think that we will listen to you, a maleficarum?”

“Hey!”

The templar jumped slightly at the sound of the sudden bark, turning to stare wide-eyed at Alistair who was busy trying to melt the man’s armour off with his glare. “There’s no need for you to be so rude! Yes, the man may be a maleficar, but at least he pulled his own weight during the blight while you guys were just sitting about on your asses! I sure as hell did not see many templars running about on the field because you were “too busy trying to get the tower back together” or whatever! And don’t you dare say that I don’t know what went on here, I was –here- and I was among those that did your job for you!”  
He pointed the finger towards the door, stepping a little closer to the templar, who wisely took a step backwards. “Out. Now. I need a word with Jowan and I need one now.”

The templar looked towards his fellow guards, who conveniently looked away as he did so. “Well, I do need to use the little men’s room,” one of them murmured.

“It’s about lunchtime now, isn’t it?”

The Chantries finest, they were not. Alistair made a mental note to poke the Knight-Commander about the lack of courage among his men.

The templar sighed before looking up at Alistair. “Fine. Because it seems to be of importance and because of your earlier… Services to the tower, we will grant you time with the malife-… Mage. Just... Don’t tell the Knight-Commander.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Alistair replied, relaxing a little as the templars gave into his request. “Thank you very much.”

The templar merely waved him off before stepping towards the exit, his fellow guards quickly following him.

“I really hate raising my voice, but sometimes…”

Jowan smiled some at Alistair before gesturing towards one of the empty seats. “I am just glad they listened to you in the end,” he murmured, watching as the templar moved to sit down. “So…”

Alistair bit his bottom lip, all previous thoughts and opinions fleeing from his mind. “So…”

“I guess you want to know why, huh..?”

The Warden shook his head quickly, looking up at Jowan. “No, I… I know why. Loghain tricked you and you were desperate enough to believe him. In a way, I want to thank you for not finishing the Arl with blood magic, since I know you can do that.”

Jowan’s lips tugged up a little and he chuckled, looking down at his hands. “I have just two scars from using blood magic, ser Alistair… One is when Uldred taught me how to do it.” 

He lifted a hand to silence the man as Alistair opened his mouth to speak. “Yes, Uldred taught me how to use it. I never sold myself to a demon. I was… Too afraid for that. He gave me an opportunity to grow as a mage and I had been an apprentice for so long, and I was so afraid to be made tranquil that I accepted it. Of course, had I even had an inkling about what he was going to do I would never have… I am glad I was not here for that accident in a way though. If I had, he may have been able to control me like he did other bloodmages. Because I was not the only one he was teaching it to.”  
The mage gently stroked his fingers over the scar at the palm of his left hand. “Loghain, he… he knew somehow. What I was. And yet he said he could help me, bring me back to the tower and make everything good again. And I was feeling so alone, scared and desperate that I believed him.”

Alistair frowned some, but not because he was mad. He wanted to understand, he wanted to see it from Jowan’s point of view. The desperation, the loneliness… Had he not felt the very same thing when he was being sent to the chantry..?

“He said I could… Rid Ferelden of an evil man, namely the Arl of Redcliffe. He said that if I did that then I could erase my crimes and start afresh. He said that I was perfect for the job and I only realised just how perfect I was when I came to the Arl’s castle. I think Loghain knew about Connor because it was a bit too much of a coincidence that the Arlessa needed a… Mage for hire at that exact moment. So I entered the household with the order to get rid of the Arl however I so desired. I think he wanted for me to use blood magic on him, but I didn’t want to. Instead I… I went for poison, to make it look… Natural. But the more that I spent time there, the more I started to doubt Loghain.”

Jowan looked up at Alistair and the Warden could see the regret in the grey, warm eyes. “The Arl was such a kind man. He believed I was there to tutor Connor in history and writing, and just that lie made me feel terrible. And as I got to know him further…”  
Jowan closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. “If I had known, I would never have done it. I would rather have rather have gone back to being an apostate than doing it. I stopped it, but I was too late. Too slow. He was… Fine one day and then all of a sudden his body gave in. And that’s when everything just went to hell.”  
The mage gave a small bitter chuckle, looking away from Alistair. “I wanted to help him, but, naturally enough, the Arlessa didn’t want me near him. Even if the demons were not my fault, I had poisoned her husband. I deserved the punishment I got. I deserve more than what I got. The fact that the Warden-Commander, the First-Enchanter… Heck, even the Arl have spared me. Even though I have done something horrible.”

The mage fell silent, not looking at Alistair, who had a rather stunned expression on his face. Jowan had readily spilled everything out to him, like he had already said the words many times to himself. For all he knew, maybe Jowan had.

Silence filled the room, the only sound they could hear being the occasional rustle of armour as a templar walked past the library and the sound of their breathing.  
Eventually Jowan peered up at Alistair, biting at his bottom lip, looking so much younger than normally. “I understand it if you hate me,” he whispered, breaking the silence. “But I want you to know that… I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, I know what I did was horrible… But I want you to know that I am so sorry. And I regret it all. I wish I could turn back time and make it all go away, but…”

“Don’t,” Alistair replied, reacting out and gently placing his hand on top of Jowan’s, giving it a squeeze. It was slightly cold, but soft to the touch, and fitted the large hand belonging to the templar surprisingly well.  
“I forgive you.” The words surprised Alistair as much as they surprised Jowan, who looked up and stared at Alistair as if he’d just grown a second head. But even as surprising as the words were, Alistair found that he meant them. He actually meant them.

“Ser Alistair..?”

“Please. Just… Just Alistair, okay? I’ve had enough of titles for the time being,” Alistair replied, giving Jowan a small smile. “And yes, I mean it. I forgive you.”   
He gave a small chuckle and looked down, just studying their hands. “I know it must sound… Weird. He is my family and all, but… I’ve grown. I used to see things in black and white, you know. I was taught certain things and I believed in them. But now I’ve seen so much hurt and betrayal that I think I can separate people who are bad on purpose from people who have been tricked. And you are definitely in the latter bunch.”

Jowan looked as if Alistair had just offered him a guarantied spot at the Maker’s side. “Do… Do you mean that?”

The Warden nodded. “I do. I cannot speak for the sake of the Arl, but… I forgive you at least. You deserve a chance to actually rebuild your life again without having that over your shoulder. Also, I saw you on the battlefield, fighting for us. No man who only loves themselves would do that as it was almost a one-way pass to the arch demon’s belly.”

“You… You saw me?” Jowan asked, his cheeks and ears suddenly turning a little red. “I… I didn’t think that… I know I saw you, I heard you. When you spoke to the people… It was… I drew courage from that, you know. It was so inspiring, so… Warming to listen to you speak. Without it, I am not sure I would have been able to join the battle.”

Now it was Alistair’s turn to blush and he suddenly became all too aware of the hand that he grasped with his own. Just when had he actually wrapped his fingers around it..?  
“Erm, I… I pulled most of those words straight from the air, I just… I felt I had done so little so if I could do something to unite those helping us, to inspire them somehow, especially since people seemed to react a little to Theron… I… Thank you though, it’s nice of you to say that.”

“You really don’t give yourself enough credit, do you,” Jowan murmured softly, giving Alistair a small shy smile. “You are more than you say you are. You are a hero, that’s plain for everyone, but apart from that… You are a good person. An honest to the Maker, genuinely good person.”

Wondering if his ears could possible get any redder, Alistair cleared his throat loudly, pulling his hand away from Jowan’s as he realised that he had been holding it for quite a while now. There was no need to address how nice it had felt just yet…  
“I… Umm…”

Jowan chuckled softly and carefully tucked some of his hair behind his ear as he looked away from Alistair, a small blush off his own decorating his cheek. “You’re not one to handle many compliments, are you..?”

“Well, I am not used to getting them,” Alistair confessed. “Not until recently, when I became a hero of Ferelden and all that. Before that I was mostly viewed as a nuisance for most part.”

“How so?”

When Alistair hesitated, Jowan quickly spoke up again. “You don’t have to tell me, se-… Alistair. It’s none of my business and it’s not like you know me that well.”

“No no, it’s… Okay. After all, you readily shared a lot of things with me and… It’s only fair that I do the same. Though…” Alistair cleared his throat again, wondering just when it had clogged up so badly. “I am not sure if I am… Ready. I am not really one to share much about myself, really.”

“I understand.” Jowan offered the Warden a warm smile, placing his hand onto his arm and squeezing it. “If you ever feel ready to just… Talk while you are staying here, I am willing to lend you an ear. I would really like to offer you my friendship, if you find it worthy to take.”

Alistair gave Jowan a grateful smile. “I think I would like that,” he murmured.

“Are you quite done?”

Jumping on their seats, both Alistair and Jowan stared at the templar who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He was tapping his foot against the floor, the metal meeting stone now echoing in the room because of the silence, and had his arms crossed over his chest, making the two men feel like children who’d just been caught sneaking out of their beds after bedtime.

“Yes, I… I think I am done for today,” Alistair murmured, but still gave Jowan another smile as he got up from his seat. “I will talk to you later, Jowan and hear if I can’t make the templars go a little easier on you. Like letting you talk with me without being guarded by five of them.”

“I would like that,” the mage murmured, though Alistair could hear that he wasn’t expecting anything to come from it, thanks to the quiet tone in his voice. He had probably tried to ask for it himself at some point, or someone else had asked for it and been declined.

“Until later then.”

“Until later,” Jowan echoed as he returned to his book, opening it onto the page he had stopped at while the templars returned to the room to guard him.  
As Alistair stepped out of the room, he couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the mage. Yes, he was a maleficarum and he had done some stupid things, but the man obviously wasn’t bad. Surely there was something that could be done for him.

Returning to the room he had been given, Alistair let out a small snort, shaking his head some as he realised that he found himself actually liking Jowan.

Seemed like Theron was right after all.


	3. Chapter 3

The time spent at the circle of magi was, surprisingly, most pleasant for Alistair.

Irving was a most gracious host and even Greagoir, even with the sour look he sometimes shot the Warden, was happy to let Alistair accompany him for morning exercises’ as well as watching when the mages were having lessons.

But by far the most enjoyable, and the most surprising aspect about his stay, was Jowan’s company.

The mage was a most interesting man to talk to, having a lot on his mind as well as having a lot to share in general. Not once did he complain about the somewhat coldness he experienced in the tower, but Alistair could see that not all the mages were cruel to him. If it was pity or because they would see the truth, Alistair didn’t know, but if it was the latter, then he could more than see why.

Not only was Jowan a kind man, but he was incredibly smart, having knowledge about many things. He was helpful and he took great care of the younger children in the tower, not minding that the templars kept an eye on him as he dealt with them. He just wanted for them to feel as home as possible.

“I know how it feels to suddenly be ripped away from your family and placed here. I find it important for them to know that there is someone there that they can talk to and count on.”

The bloodmage also kept his eyes on Connor and while he was more careful about approaching him, he still did his part in making him feel at home in the tower. Alistair could only stand back and admire Jowan as he wandered the tower, doing minor tasks as sweeping the floors or cleaning up.

“Don’t you get tired off this?”

Jowan looked up from his current job, consisting of pealing potatoes, before shaking his head and smiling some at Alistair. “No… I grew up on a farm and this is tasks I am used to. Almost makes me long a little bit for home, until I remember just how terrible my parents were when they found out that I was a mage.”

Alistair, having watched Jowan work with his head supported by his hands, elbows on the table and tipping his chair as far backwards as he could without falling over, raised his eyebrow. “… Do I even dare asking what happened?”

“Oh, nothing happened,” Jowan said, like it was nothing. “They just disowned me on the spot. They were kind enough to keep me about until the templars came and they didn’t strike me for it. But they claimed that I was just a boy they had found, that I was not their real son.”

“Jowan, that is terrible.”

“I suppose. My life was a good one until that day.” Jowan sighed a little and carefully placed the pealed potato into a pot to lay with other pealed potatoes before picking up a new, unpeeled one. “But I was young so… I guess being separated so brutally from them kind off helped in healing faster. I think it would be worse if I knew that they still loved me.”

Alistair was impressed. 

Jowan had known his parents, lived with them and he took everything in stride as he was abandoned. He had forgiven them by the sound of things, understanding them.  
He himself had thrown a tantrum when Eamon had wanted to leave him in the chantry, destroying the only memory he had from his mother.

He had been an outcast, living as a gutter-rat and was angry when the only thing he knew as a family was leaving him so he could have a better life.  
Jowan had been part of a loving family and had been understanding when his parents had left him.

“Alistair?”

“Hmm?”

Jowan offered Alistair an awkward smile as he carefully pealed another potato. “You… Are staring at me.”

“Oh… Oh!” Alistair blushed and looked away, cursing himself for tuning the way he had. “I was… Sorry, I got lost in my own mind for a moment. It… It happens. Quite often actually.”

Jowan chuckled softly and sent a small smile in Alistair’s direction. “I can understand that. I’ve had my share of just drifting away.”

Alistair smiled back, though his cheeks remained red. “I just find it so… Admirable. That you are able to forgive them so easily when they were so cruel to you. I didn’t forgive my… Well… Family until many many years had passed.”

“Oh, it took time,” Jowan replied. “I was angry and hurt for a long long time before I was able to see the logic in it. I suppose realisation and acceptance come eventually the more you see it happen as well as the more you hear how mages are feared.   
“In a way, I feel sorrier for the children who come to the tower, knowing they have parents that love and want them, but are never able to see them. It hurts both ways that way and it is a hurt that takes longer to heal. Sometimes it never heals at all and when it doesn’t… Well… Suffice to say, more than one mage has jumped from the top off the tower or lit themselves on fire in a private room in search for release, thinking that endlessly walking the fade has to be better than the pain in their hearts.” Jowan’s smile turned sadder and he slowed his work down as he seemed to be thinking about something.

Alistair felt his chest ache from the sight and slowly got up from his chair, moving to sit down next to the mage. He didn’t say anything, not right away. Instead he silently picked up one of the unpeeled potatoes in the bucket, located a knife from the next to the bucket with pealed potatoes and started pealing.

Jowan looked at him, curiosity clear in his eyes before he smiled some and he went back to pealing. “You know,” he said after a while, looking up at the larger man. “… I am glad you came to the tower.”

Alistair looked up at Jowan, the same smile playing on his lips. “You know,” he murmured, chuckling a little. “I am as well.” The happy smile on Jowan’s face made him even gladder he had decided to come. “And I am glad I was wrong about you,” he added softly. “I thought you were a… Well… A monster. Because that’s how I was trained to view malifecarum, you know.” He let out a small chuckle and shook his head, pausing his work for a moment. “But I’ve been thinking a lot. About what you told me. About how you felt before and after. And I do mean it when I say that I think you are in the group of people fooled by Loghain. And I don’t think your actions made you into a monster, but a human.”

Jowan raised an eyebrow. “You do?”

Alistair nodded and smiled at Jowan. “Yes, yes, I do. You were frightened. Desperate. You wanted to live and you did everything you could in order to do so. But you also showed kindness because in the end, you were willing to give your own life to save another. You just didn’t get the chance to do it. You showed regret, you still do. And that makes you very much human.”

The mage chuckled softly and shook his head some. “I think that you are giving me a little too much credit, Alistair,” he murmured. “I am not sure if I was thinking half the time. I was just… Doing. If I can call it that.”

“Funny, that’s what I was doing half the time as well,” Alistair chuckled, then let out a small “ow!” as he nicked himself in the finger with the knife. “Damn, I swear, I am better at this,” he murmured before sticking the thumb into his mouth to suck away the blood.

“Let me look at it,” Jowan chuckled, taking the large hand with both his own hands and brought it down to rest on his lap. Seeing Alistair’s puzzled expression, he smiled some. “Don’t worry, I am not going to use bloodmagic on you if that’s what you were thinking,” he murmured, gently placing his right hand a couple of inches over the wound. “Before I… Turned to that, I practiced in healing magic. But there wasn’t many… Opportunities to show my skills, though I am glad there wasn’t. And because I was… Lacking in other areas, nobody cared to really test my skills.”   
Letting his hand engulf in a warm, yellow light, Jowan focused some of his mana into the wound, slowly cleaning and closing it with magic. “I also like working with herbs. Both the healing aspect of it, but also in the general use of them. I have only just started experimenting with them, mostly when I make tea.”  
Smiling up at Alistair, he released the templar’s hand. “There we go. All healed. Normally I would have cleaned it with a salve and left it to heal on its own, but I figured I could might as well heal it. Just… Don’t tell anyone that I used magic. I am not supposed to. I am lucky I am allowed to walk without mana-draining cufflinks most of the time.”

Alistair pulled his hand back and gently flexed his thumb, studying the healed skin with a small smile. “Don’t worry,” he murmured. “Your secret is safe with me. Just don’t tell anyone that I managed to harm myself while pealing potatoes.”

“I will guard the secret with my life,” Jowan murmured, then looked up as two other mages came into the kitchen, starting to work on lighting the grand fireplace so they could start dinner. Jowan flashed Alistair a small smile before he started pealing again.

Alistair carefully stood up, knowing that if someone found out that he had been helping Jowan, even if it was only a few potatoes, then he could get in trouble. Instead he leaned down and whispered into his ear. “Let’s talk more later, okay?”

Jowan blushed some and only nodded, not trusting to speak up while there was someone else there with them.

Nodding back, Alistair left the kitchen area, placing a hand on his stomach as it felt like it was doing back flips inside him. “Must have been something I ate,” he murmured, dismissing it for now and intending to ask if Jowan knew of any teas that could help settle it.

For now, he had another meeting with Irving to attend to and with some luck, he could evaluate another mage before it was time for dinner.

Besides, he had another possible recruit in mind if Irving would allow it.


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you certain, Alistair?”

The old mage looked at the templar with a curious look, though if he felt or thought something else about Alistair’s request, the templar didn’t know.   
He himself was struggling with keeping his poker face the best he could, resisting the urge to just break down and run off because of Irving’s heavy gaze.

“It is a… Heavy request to make, considering the individual’s… colourful past.”

“I beg your pardon, sir, but he has a name. I would prefer it if you referred to him by that and not just some… nobody.”

Irving let out a small sigh, but he nodded some, placing his elbows on his desk before folding his hands together. “I am sorry, Alistair. It has been a trying time for me, this last year. With rebuilding the circle, soothing not only the mages, but also the templars and the masses outside the circle and of course protecting Jowan.”   
He gave Alistair a tired smile. “Greagoir has been a tremendous help of course. As has the Warden Commander and the Queen of Ferelden. I certainly could not have done it alone. But the heaviest burden has been my own to carry.”

Alistair shifted a little on the chair, feeling a little uncomfortable. “Sir, I am sure nobody blames you for what happened at the circle. Uldred, he did work on his own, he was a teacher and part of your staff-“  
He snapped his mouth closed as Irving lifted his hand, silencing him.

“That… Is another burden, but it is carried by many, thankfully. No… I am thinking about Jowan and how he strayed. I take responsibility for that.”

The templar raised an eyebrow. “… Sir?”

Irving lifted his hands up from the desk, folded them together before resting his forehead against them. “The circle… We have done the same thing for years. Generations. Taught the same things in the same ways with little to no change. If there were risks, students were made tranquil. An… Easy solution to weed out potential troublemakers. A method I don’t always agree with, but I can see how it can be necessary. But I can also see now how our old ways have brought more trouble.”  
He let his lips tug into a bitter smile. “I have been First Enchanter for so long, have put so much blind faith in my staff… That I have gone blind. I have stopped seeing the students as individuals and believe them all to be at the same levels. But Jowan…”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room as Irving seemed to think about his words, making Alistair squirm a little on his seat. He jumped a little as Irving’s warm voice spoke again.

“Jowan was special. Bright, clever. He was talented, make no mistake on that. I should have seen and heard from the hospital ward how well he mastered healing spells and potions. But good words often fall so much more silent than those that are bad. And his falling back in classes that dealt with spells of destructions sadly spoke higher than his accomplishments in the ward. By right, he should have gone through his harrowing. It does take more than power to pass it after all, it takes smarts as well. Something Jowan has a lot of.”

“In a way, sir, Jowan has been through a harrowing of his own with Uldred.”

Now it was Irving’s turn to raise an eyebrow at Alistair. “… Continue.”

“Well, as I told you, First Enchanter, I have spoken a lot to Jowan over the last few days and I believe I have gotten a pretty good look at what’s inside him thanks to him opening himself to me. And I believe he is a good person that doesn’t wish anyone harm, despite his earlier crimes. He was frightened, scared for his life. And he has confined a lot in me as well, telling me how and why he became a blood mage in the first place. And he told me that he was taught it by a man. By Uldred before he submitted to a demon. Jowan never did. He said he never sold himself to a demon. And I believe him when he says so.”

“Yes, I have heard him say it. I have had several conversations with him, though there has been a… Wall between us. This is understandable. I was going to make him tranquil after all, a decision I regret fully that I took.”   
Irving closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself a minute to think. The room fell silent, with only the sound of the two men breathing auditable in the room. 

“I will allow it.”

Alistair looked at Irving, not trusting his hearing. “Pardon?”

“I will allow it. If Jowan wished to leave the circle and come with you, then I will allow you to test him.” Irving looked up from behind his folded hands and gave Alistair a knowing smile that the templar didn’t quite understand. “And I will trust your judgement as to see Jowan as you would any other mage and not because of other things, like your resolved past.”

“Oh, certainly, First Enchanter. I will view Jowan as I would any other potential recruit to the Wardens. You can count on that.”

“Of that I have no doubt, Alistair,” Irving murmured, reaching over to a stack of parchment at the edge of his desk. “I will make the arrangements for him to leave with you without the interference of the templars. Not that they can do anything if you revoke the right of conscription.”

Alistair shook his head and gave a small smile to the elder mage. “I won’t be allowed. As pressing as these times are because of the destruction from the arch demon and the remaining packs of Darkspawn, it is not a time of dire need. Wardens are recruited, not demanded. Even if we’re only like… A handful left.”

“True. But not all templars know this,” Irving replied and winked at Alistair, who just grinned back. 

He couldn’t wait to tell Jowan the hopefully happy news.

***

“Me? A Grey Warden?” 

If they hadn’t been in the large study in the Mage’s Tower, Alistair might have laughed out loud from the look that Jowan had on his face.   
He was staring at Alistair as if the templar had just grown an extra head, a look of disbelief and shock on his face, mouth open and the book he had been reading had simply fallen out of his hands and onto the table with a large ‘thud’. “… You’re… You’re having me on. Aren’t you?”

Alistair shook his head, his smile only growing wider as Jowan continued to stare at him. The mage’s reactions were almost… Cute.

“I’m not, Jowan. I did come here to recruit more people to the Grey Wardens and personally, I cannot see anyone who deserves it more than you.”

“Pardon me for protesting on this very… Generous and amazing offer that I am sure I will only get this one time for reasons unknown to me since I have no clue why I have gotten it in the first place so… Why? How do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve this..?”

Alistair chuckled softly, finding the mage even cuter now that he was rambling. “Steady now, Jowan. You’re talking around yourself. As for my reasons…”  
He smiled warmly at Jowan. “I have seen first hand what you can do. Your combat abilities, your talents with fire. And while I have yet to see your healing abilities, I have heard a lot about them from different people and they all say that you are good. More than good. And someone with a talent for healing is more than needed within the Wardens, we have more than enough people that are able to do damage as well as take it, me being one of them. Especially the ‘taking damage’ part, I’m very good at that.”

That made Jowan chuckle a little before giving Alistair a warm smile of his own. “Well… It is an honour to be asked to join your ranks. And if you are absolutely sure that you want me…”

“Definitely. I’ve been looking at several mages now for the last three days and so far, you are the one that shows the most potential and has the qualities that we look for in a good Warden.”

The words made Jowan blushed and rub the back of his neck, a slightly awkward smile on his face. “I really do not understand what you are looking for, but if I have what you want then… well. Then I am yours. … So to speak.”

“Don’t say that or I may feel tempted to take advantages off that,” Alistair teased, giving Jowan a playful smile.  
Jowan just gave a small chuckle and looked up at Alistair with warm, grey eyes. “Well… Whatever is needed, Alistair. I do trust you.”

“Now I really wish I had the mindset to come up with a great, practical joke. Give me a day or two, okay?”

“Then I will take the time to pack my belongings, as meagre as they are, and say my good byes here. I… Am allowed to do that, right?”

Alistair just smiled. “Of course you are. I am not about to drag you out of here under the cover of darkness. I am not sure I could cross that lake while carrying you at the same time anyway.”   
The warm laugh he got from that warmed Alistair up from the inside, making his smile all the wider. “Though we will leave tomorrow. I have one more mage I wish to talk to and consider, so you might expect some company at least. From someone else besides me and the horses, I mean.”

“I wouldn’t have minded,” Jowan replied softly.  
Now it was Alistair’s turn to blush, his eyebrows just about vanishing into his hairline in surprise as he just stared at the mage.

“You… Wouldn’t?”

“Of course I wouldn’t. You have been good company to me these last few days. Being alone with you a few days more while enjoying my freedom would have been… Well… Heavenly, if I may say so. To be with someone who doesn’t treat me like I will turn into a demon at any moment.”

“Oh. Oh, yes of course.”   
Alistair cleared his throat and nodded, rubbing the back of his neck, suddenly feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet. Which was not very uncommon for him, but for some reason it bothered him more this time around.

Jowan gave him an apologetic look before looking down, rubbing at his own neck. “I am sorry if I said something that-“

“No no no,” Alistair quickly said, lifting his hands up to silence the blood mage. “No, you didn’t. I don’t know what you were going to say, but you didn’t offend me or freak me out or anything else.”

The mage relaxed again and gave Alistair another warm smile that made the templar feel warm to the very core of his body.

“I will let you get to it then,” Jowan said, giving Alistair a small nod with his head. “Is there a limit to what I should pack? I don’t have much, but there are a few books I would like to bring if that is okay.”

“As long as the horse can carry it, then you can bring it,” Alistair simply said, wondering just what the hell was wrong with him. “If there is something you need, then I am sure we can get it at the keep.”

Jowan nodded before turning to leave, leaving Alistair to stew in his own thoughts.

And there were many off them. Too many for a man with a very simple way of thinking. Too many alien thoughts that he had never even thought about or considered until now.

Running a hand through his hair, Alistair sat down onto the first and best chair he could find, trying his very best to find out when he had started to get these… warm and downright fuzzy feelings in his body every time he saw Jowan. Or even thought about him.  
Jowan had a very easy time of making him smile and laugh, making him feel good about himself. He was easy to talk to, he was smart and funny. Cute in his own way. Handsome.

Blinking his eyes as the word ‘handsome’ popped into his head, Alistair shook his head hard. When in the Maker’s name had Jowan turned ‘handsome’ in his head? Hell, when had any man made him think that? That and Jowan was supposed to be the man that he was mad at because of what had happened with Earl Eamon.

Yet there it was. 

Jowan.   
Smart, funny, adorable and handsome Jowan.  
Jowan, the blood mage. The very cute blood mage.

“… Oh, Maker preserve me…”

This was going to be a long ride home.


	5. Chapter 5

“Do let me know if you need a break, Jowan,” Alistair called out, looking over his shoulder at the mage riding behind him.

“Oh, don’t worry about me, Alistair. I am well-used to horses. Or I was, once upon a time.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yes,” Jowan murmured, looking up at Alistair with a warm smile. “Before my parents sent me off to the Mage’s Tower, I was living at a small farm. We only had three cows and a bull ourselves, but our neighbour had horses and a boy that was around my age. They taught me to ride one, though we usually went bareback. A saddle each for both of us was not something they had. But that was okay, we didn’t really get the same ache in our hindquarters back then, being young and more… soft, I suppose. Limber.” 

Alistair chuckled and just grinned as Jowan made the rented horse walk a little faster, just enough so he could be at Alistair’s side. “So what happened to the other mage you were looking at, Alistair?”

“He wasn’t cut for it,” the templar replied, shrugging his shoulders some. “He was talented, but not quite… Warden material. Think he had a little warped view on what it means and takes to be a Warden.”

“Oh?” Jowan tilted his head and gave Alistair a curious look.

“Yeah. He didn’t directly say it, but I could tell that he was just wanting to get away from the Tower. I do not think he would have been a very reliable Warden. I don’t think he realised that he would be committing himself to the Wardens for life, that he couldn’t just turn his back on us when he got tired of playing.”   
Alistair shrugged his shoulders some before giving Jowan a small smile. “So yeah… Hope you meant what you said yesterday since you will be stuck with me until we reach Amaranthine.”

Jowan just smiled at Alistair. “Oh, I don’t mind. You are a good man, Alistair, and I would like to hear more about the Wardens and about you.”

Alistair let out a small, nervous laugh, his hands subconsciously tightening his fingers around the reins. “Oh, there isn’t much to tell about me, not really. I’m just your average Warden.”

The mage let out a small chuckle and smiled at Alistair. “If you are worried about your status as ‘Bastard Prince of Ferelden’, then do not worry, Alistair. I know off it, yes, like any other person with functioning ears in Ferelden, but… Well… I have also heard your stance on it. And I do not care. I just want to know about the man Alistair. Not the prince.”

“Yeah?” Alistair raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at Jowan. That… was something new. Someone who didn’t care about his title. After being hounded by Eamon because of it for days during the blight, it was nice to hear that -someone- wasn’t caring.   
Especially since that person was Jowan.

Jowan’s smile turned a little more awkward. “I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. Based on what I have heard about you and seen of you personally, I am sure you would have made a wonderful king for Ferelden. But royalty means very little in the tower because… Well.”   
The mages’ smile turned a little sadder and he looked down onto the horse’s brown mane. “We don’t really have much of a choice in the matter anyway. And we are not affected by whatever choice the royals make, at least we haven’t in the past. Our kings and queens are the Chantry, more or less. While I know that the Chantry does answer to the royalty, they do have their own set of laws and rules. In some instances, they are more than willing to bend the rules to suit their needs.”

“That much I know,” Alistair replied. “But… I never really thought about it from a mages’ point of view before. I knew they were strict, but not that strict.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Jowan looked horrified for a moment. “I… You… You were a templar once, you told me. Oh, I am so sorry, Alistair, I did not mean to imply that-”

“Easy, Jowan,” Alistair chuckled, offering Jowan a warm smile. “It’s not something I walk around announcing after all. ‘Senior Warden Commander and bastard prince Alistair Theirin, the Templar’ is a bit of a mouthful after all.”

Jowan relaxed again, giving Alistair a small, warm smile. “Well… I think Alistair suits you just fine, personally,” he murmured softly.

For some reason, that made Alistair’s cheeks warm up and a strange, almost proud feeling washed through him.  
He didn’t know why, but the fact that Jowan seemed to like him the way he was and didn’t seem to think about what Alistair was, but instead focused on who.

It was refreshing and definitely something that he could get used to.  
Not that his fellow Wardens thought of him in those lines, they knew who he was and how committed he was to the Wardens, but it was nice to have someone… Impartial that thought about him in such as way as well.  
At least partially impartial. They did have a history together, even if it was very, very brief.  
And a bit mean from Alistair’s side.

“A copper for your thoughts?”

Clearing his voice some, Alistair looked over towards Jowan and flashed him one of his trademark smiles.  
“Sorry, just… Drifting off a little. Just felt glad that you see me as… Well. Me. Just plain ol’ Alistair instead of anything else.”

“You are many things, Alistair, but I wouldn’t say that “plain” is one of them.” Jowan continued to smile that small, twisty smile of his.  
“You are a very colourful and fascinating man. One I am looking forward to working more with.”

Alistair felt his cheeks heat up, but he still managed to give Jowan one of his trademark smiles.  
“The feeling is very much mutual. Like I told you in the tower, I… I see that there is a lot more to you than I first realised and… Well. I want to figure you out.”

“I think you will find that I am quite an open book,” Jowan murmured.  
“I really am not that hard to figure out.”

“Let me be the judge of that,” Alistair replied softly.  
“So far, you have quite a lot of layers going for you and I think I’ve barely scratched the surface.”

“And what do you think lurks underneath, Alistair?”

“Something good.”

When Jowan's cheeks turned more pink, Alistair couldn't help but think how... Adorable it was.   
Heck, the entire man was downright adorable.

He certainly looked better as well after just a few hours out in the fresh air. Jowan was all smiles, closing his eyes every time the wind blew, ruffling his hair some, constantly shifting his hand discreetly so he could pet the horse. He had this aura of freedom around him, which made Alistair feel a little bad that he was taking Jowan from one prison to the next.  
Yes, Jowan would be free with the Wardens, but he would also be trapped in a different way. He took small comfort in the fact that Jowan knew that joining the Wardens was not something that was taken lightly, that it was for life, but there was still this small, gnawing feeling of guilt...

"You have that thoughtful look on your face again, Alistair. Does that mean I owe you another copper if I ask for your thoughts?"

Alistair snapped out of his thoughts and gave Jowan a sheepish smile.  
"... Sorry, Jowan. I was just getting lost in my own thoughts again."

Jowan gave Alistair a gentle smile. "Don't get too lost now. You are the one that knows the way and I don't think the Warden Commander would appreciate me coming without you."

"You'd be surprised," Alistair replied before looking up at the sky at the sound of rumbling.  
"... By the Maker, where did that come from," he mumbled to himself as he saw dark clouds rapidly gathering.  
"Jowan, I think we better speed up. I don't like the look of that."

Jowan shielded his eyes with his hand as he squinted towards the clouds.  
"Maker's Breath, that looks bad. How long do you think we have?"

"A couple of hours. There is an inn on this way, we shouldn't be too far from it. I say we hurry towards it and settle for the day."

"I like that plan," Jowan said while snapping the reins of his horse, making it go faster. Alistair copied the movement, encouraging his own horse to go faster, hoping they could get to the inn in time to escape at least the worse of the rain.

As luck would have it, or rather lack there-of, the clouds rolled in too fast for them to escape it. Not even twenty minutes later the sky opened above them and the rain started pouring, efficiently soaking them.

"Andraste's flaming sword," Alistair cursed, his hair almost instantly giving in to the water and ending up plastered over his forehead, tickling just over his eyelids.  
"That came quicker than expected."

Jowan's own response wasn't any better, as the blood mage let out an unflattering curse of his own, then instantly apologized.  
"Sorry... I just don't like being wet. I... freeze easily."

"Hang in there, Jowan," Alistair said, snapping the reins of the horse in order to make it go faster. "The inn shouldn't be far now."

It took them about another ten minutes of quick riding, but soon the inn appeared like a beacon of light in the darkness.  
The warm, welcoming light coming from the windows and the lantern hanging outside was enough to make Alistair smile.  
"Look Jowan, we're almost there!"

"Thank the Maker," Jowan breathed, sounding as relieved as Alistair felt.

"Hang in there," Alistair said, quickly guiding his horse to the stables before sliding off it.

"What are you folks doing out here in this weather," the stable keeper asked as Alistair handed him the reins to his horse, guiding it further into the warm stable.

"Having a bath by the feel of things," Alistair retorted, glancing over to the drenched mage behind him.  
Jowan looked absolutely miserable as he handed the reins over to the man, the long, dark hair plastered to his head and the robe looking heavy with water.

"Head inside and get the warmth back into your bones," the stable keeper said, nodding his head towards the inn.  
"I'll tend to your horses, make sure they become dry and fed."

"Thank you," Alistair said politely, giving the man a smile of gratitude.   
The thought of getting inside somewhere warm and dry was all he could think off so, with one last nod of thanks, he headed towards the entrance, jogging through the rain as fast as he could while carrying his sack of clothes.  
With some luck, something inside would still be dry...

Together they stumbled through the door, Alistair halfway shouldering his way inside until they were both indoors.   
The former templar looked up as he took in the warm glow from the many lit candles that were hanging from chandeliers from the ceiling and fastened to the walls.  
There was a roaring fire inside a large fireplace and he could smell something that he recognised as stew, which in turn made his stomach growl.

"Come on," he murmured, giving the wet mage a warm smile.   
"Lets see if there's a room for us, eh?"

Jowan just nodded, brushing enough of the wet, black hair away from his face so he could see.  
"I second that."

"Hope you don't mind sharing, I tend to snore a little."

"I am sure I will survive. I used to share dorms with Anders and he snores like a sawmill, especially during winter."

Alistair let out a small chuckle as he walked over to the bar, where a man with an impressive black and bushy moustache was busy washing the wooden surface, removing traces of spilled ale and crumbs.  
When the Grey Warden approached him, he looked up and gave him a nod.  
"How can I help you, travellers?" he asked, the hairs from his moustache vibrating from the sound.

"I was wondering if you have a room for two. Oh, and some warm food, please. And warm water for a bath, if that's not too much trouble."

The innkeeper raised an eyebrow, but nodded.   
"Sure I can help you with that, Ser. We only got one room with two beds right now though, storm took everybody by surprise. We got a couple of single rooms and one with a big bed." The man eyed them before shrugging his shoulder lightly.

"That would be fine," Alistair said, giving the man a smile as he dug around his sack for his coin purse.  
"What do you have to eat?"

"Depends on what you two want, but we have some nice, warm stew going on the stove now. Should be done within the hour."

"Oh, that sounds good. I'll have two big bowls of that, please."  
Then Alistair looked towards Jowan, giving him a warm smile. "What do you want, Jowan?"

Jowan blinked his eyes some, looking a bit surprised before giving the innkeeper a timid smile.  
"Um... Just... Just one bowl for me, please. And... Some spiced apple cider, if you have?"

"Certainly, Ser."

"That sounds good. Make that two."

"So, just so I understand you two. You will take the room with two beds, three bowls with stew and two apple ciders, spiced. And two warm baths?"

Alistair nodded his head before Jowan could say anything, just giving the mage another warm smile.  
"Sounds absolutely right to me."

The innkeeper just gave Alistair another look before telling him the total for one night as well as the food and baths. Alistair dropped a couple of golden coins into his hand before he was given a solid brass key.  
"Down the hallway, to your right. It's the room on the very end, next to the staircase. I'll have someone come with water and food in a bit."

"If we can have the baths before the food, then that would be great," Alistair said before he turned to leave along with Jowan, carefully making their way through the amount of people and hallway with the rooms.

Like the innkeeper had said, they found the room at the end of the hallway, the door facing the staircase.   
"Looks private enough," Alistair said as he slid the brass key into the lock and gave it a twist before nudging the door open.  
It slid open with a barely auditable creak, revealing a small, dark, but cosy looking room on the other side.

The room was big enough to have two beds with a meter or so distance between them, a small washing basinet in a corner, next to a floor-length mirror hanging on the wall, as well as a small table and two chairs.  
There was a big, wooden tub placed against the wall opposite one of the beds, but Alistair could tell that there would be enough room for one more. If not, he could take turns.   
He didn't mind waiting.  
"Looks cosy as well."

"I am definitely not complaining," Jowan said as he followed Alistair into the room, looking around with a soft smile playing on his lips.  
"It is... Perfect to me."

Alistair just smiled as he watched the mage walked over to the bed by a window, giving the mattress a testing push with his hand.  
It made him strangely happy, seeing Jowan like this. Like he had done something right.  
Something good.

Realising that he was staring, Alistair quickly cleared his throat and looked towards the tub instead.  
"Do you want to take a bath first? I don't mind waiting and you seem like you could need one."

Jowan raised an eyebrow before blushing some.   
That or his cheeks were just red from being out in the cold rain, it was hard to tell.  
"Oh, um... I don't mind waiting, Alistair. I mean, you are paying for this room and I don't want to take advantage of-"

"First of, I am not paying, the Wardens are," Alistair said, interrupting the mage before he could talk the ex-templar around.  
"Second, I don't mind waiting. I am not that cold now that we are on the inside while you still look a bit cold. Go ahead, I have a letter I need to write."

"Well," Jowan said hesitantly.   
"If you are sure..."

"I am sure. Do you want me to go leave the room or?"  
He wasn't sure how much privacy a mage had when doing their cleaning, but Alistair couldn't imagine it to be worse than the Chantry.

"Oh no, I couldn't chase you out of the room," Jowan said, giving Alistair yet another, modest, but oh, so cute smile.  
"I believe I have nothing you probably haven't seen before. At least last time I checked. Besides, I am quite used to having company when bathing. Privacy when cleaning up wasn't exactly common and... Well. Less so for me, when I came back to the Circle."

"Afraid that you would summon a water demon?"

Jowan chuckled as he started undoing the laces keeping his robe together, then slid it over his head.  
"Probably, though I don't think many demons choose to possess water. Unless it is a water-spirit or an elemental or some sort of familiar, then the water doesn't make for a good host, it being an element and not a living thing."

"Huh... Good point well made."

Jowan just flushed some while placing his robe over the back of one of the chairs.  
"Sorry, I... I didn't mean to give you a lesson in magic and spirits, it's... well. A habit, I suppose."

"Hey, I don't mind," Alistair said reassuringly, giving Jowan a warm smile while trying not to stare too hard at the mage's body.  
He was... Bigger than expected. He had expected a scrawny body, a thin frame, but Jowan... Jowan was clearly of good, solid stock. Thin, yes, but a good frame, a solid build. Lean, but seemingly strong.  
Alistair was willing that the mage could probably hold his own in many ways without using magic, even if he wasn't a fighter.

He cleared his throat some as he looked away, feeling a little embarrassed as it soon became clear that he was staring.  
Jowan hadn't noticed and if he had, he was too polite to say anything.  
For now, the mage had turned around and, after binding his hair up in a light bun at the back of his head, he remainder of his clothes before sliding into the wooden tub.

"I will try to contain myself though," the man said as his body was slowly covered by the clear water, a sigh of pleasure escaping between his lips.  
"Oh, that is lovely..."

"Glad to hear that you are enjoying yourself," Alistair murmured as he deliberately turned around as the sight of Jowan, naked, in that tub was making him feel a bit... funny.  
"Don't stay too long though, the food will get cold if it gets here while you take your bath."

"I will try to be quick," Jowan promised.  
Alistair couldn't see what he was doing, but he could hear the water as the mage moved around, and he could only assume that he was washing himself.  
Swallowing hard, Alistair tugged up a piece of parchment, glad to see that the leather-pouch it had been in inside his bag had protected it from being curled up as well as getting wet.  
While the mage was bathing he could might as well finalize the reports on his recruitments so the Warden-Commander had everything in order.  
It was that or sit like a creep as he watched Jowan bathe, and he wasn't sure that would go down well with either one of them.

It would make for a damn awkward ride back to the Keep at least.

Jowan was quick though and soon enough the mage was back out of the tub, wrapping himself in with a large piece of soft cloth so he could dry himself.

"You do that," Alistair said while smiling, getting up from his chair.  
"I'll ask to have the water refilled and ask about the food at the same time."

"You sure?"

"Well, if you want to go out in the buff, I am not going to stop you," Alistair mused, giving Jowan a small, cheeky grin.  
"But I wouldn't recommend it. Unless you really want to bring a girl back to our, which I will protest on."

Jowan flushed and covered his face with the cloth.  
"... There is no danger of me doing that. But you make a good point, I... I will stay here and get dry."

"Sounds like a good plan," Alistair grinned as he got up from his seat, leaving their shared room to complete his now set task.  
Getting someone to go to their room was quick enough and while that was handled, he paid the barkeep for an extra batch of hot cider to warm both himself and Jowan up.  
The mage seemed to be a frosty one and he wanted for him to be comfortable, especially since Alistair had spent a minute or so teasing him.

By the time he returned with the hot cider and two mugs, the bath had been refilled and Jowan was completely dressed, sitting by the small table and eating from the stew.  
"I hope you don't mind," he apologized when he saw the templar came into the room.  
"But the food just came and I was hungry..."

"I don't mind," Alistair said, placing the cider and mugs onto the table with a warm smile.  
"Eat it while it's hot, there's no need to wait for me. I'll just quickly scrub myself clean and join you by the table."

"I will eat slowly then," Jowan said, then murmured a soft "thank you" as he reached for the cider.

"Eat while it is warm," Alistair repeated, giving Jowan a look before he finally got undressed, quickly discarding his shirt, pants, socks and smallclothes into a pile to be stewed away later for cleaning, then slid into the tub.  
When the warm water engulfed his body, the templar let out a rather involuntary smile, slowly sinking into the tub while wearing a downright goofy smile on his face.  
The tub was a little small so he had to bend his legs a bit, but he was able to sit comfortably and he was more than able to enjoy the warmth from the water.  
Apparently he'd been a bit colder than first expected.

"Feels good, yes," Jowan said and when Alistair turned his head towards the mage, he could swear that the mage actually looked... Amused.

"... Did I moan that loudly?"

"You might have."

"... Maker's breath, I am sorry."

"Oh, you didn't disturb me or anything," Jowan chuckled, looking away so Alistair could have a little privacy.  
"It was just a little... Amusing to listen to."

"I'll try not to make this indecent," Alistair promised, reaching out for the bar of soap Jowan had left behind and started scrubbing the dirt of his body.  
He had never been one for long baths, no matter how pleasant they were so before long Alistair was back up again, drying himself off with a large piece of soft fabric before getting dressed in the last set of clean clothes he had left.  
He cleaned up his dirty laundry and stuffed it into the bag with the rest of his clothes before he finally took a seat next to Jowan by the table.

"I've taken the liberty of keeping your food warm for you," Jowan said softly, giving Alistair a small smile.  
"One of the perks of magic that I can do."

"Well, thank you," Alistair said with a warm smile, picking up his spoon and digging into the stew with a hearty appetite.  
"Mmm... Delicious. I don't know what it is with these inns, but they always seem to have the best stew. Well... Except for at the Keep, but that is because we have the most amazing cook. An amazing woman, though a little strict. She is not afraid to hit you with a wooden spoon if she has to in order to chase you out of the kitchen."

"Sounds like a woman after my heart."

"She is a woman after everyone's heart," Alistair mused.

It was nice, sitting like this with Jowan. The mage was pleasant to talk to and be around, but Alistair already knew that, having spent a little time with already.  
But it was something else about him as well that just... calmed Alistair down. Gave him a sort of inner peace. It was hard to explain, especially since Alistair hadn't really felt such a calm inside him before.  
Maybe it was something about Jowan's demeanour that calmed him. Made him realise that he didn't have to be so tense, even if he pretended that he wasn't.

Or maybe it was something else.  
Something else that Alistair just wasn't ready to admit just yet.

Not until he was ready to realise it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might as well warn right now, this is deviating from the events that happened in Kirkwall and for the most part, certain situations and events will be/have already been ignored.  
> This story is a stand-alone one could say and while certain things may be addressed, but other than that, the events of DA2 will not be mentioned and only casually followed.

“There she is. The Vigil's Keep. Pretty as a painting. ... Sort of."  
Alistair flashed Jowan a smile as he dismounted from his horse and took the reins. They had made good time and because they had gotten up early, the sun was still high on the sky when they reached Vigil's Keep.  
"And your future home."

Jowan slowly dismounted as well and stared up at the Keep, taking in the sights.  
"It's..."

"I know, it doesn't really look like much, and it took quite a beating both during and after the blight. But the dwarfs have been working on rebuilding and keeping it in better condition and while all the stone-walls looks... Grey and depressing, there are wooden houses on the inside for people to live in. And the Keep is a lot more friendly on the inside. Lots of colour and shelves with books, lights, the sorts."  
Alistair gave Jowan a more sheepish smile while running his hand gently down Nibbler's mane.  
"But I suppose that the tower was similar in that aspect... So in a way there's not much different."

"Don't be silly," Jowan said, smiling some as he slowly walked up the pathway towards the Keep, reins in hand.  
"It's magnificent. And I am sure I will not feel as trapped in there as I did back in the tower."

"I hope not at least," Alistair replied, smiling some at Jowan while offering to take the horses reins.   
"I can take the horses. You can go inside the Keep if you want. I suspect that there are already people-"

"JOWAN!"

"-expecting you. Good afternoon, Anders," Alistair chuckled while ignoring the whirlwind of blond hair and feathery robes that came running out from the keep, down the small pathway and wrapping his arms around Jowan.  
"Knight-Commander Gregoir sends his best and hopes he never has to see you again."

Anders ignored Alistair's last comment and simply lifted Jowan up from the grown after getting a good grip around the slender mage's waist.  
"By Andrastes' pantyhose, am I glad to see you again, Jowan! It has been too long! I heard you escaped and gave yourself up, you foolish mage! But can't be helped, you never had a knack for survival in that aspect, not with that big guilt of yours! But boy, am I glad to see you again! How are you?"

"How about letting the poor man breathe, Anders," Alistair asked, grinning a little bit.  
"Besides, Talae is expecting him too, and I don't think he would appreciate it if you hugged Jowan to death. ... I believe he is after that honour himself."

Jowan looked more shell-shocked than anything else, but Alistair really couldn't blame him.  
Alistair himself hadn't exactly informed him about who would be there, but he had no idea that Anders and Jowan had been friends.  
There was a change it was just Anders' overenthusiastic personality that made it sound like it, especially since Anders had been quite open in his dislike for blood-magic when he heard about the topic, and if Anders had been around when Jowan had returned to the tower of Magi, which Alistair suspected he had, then Anders would have heard about Jowan's special talent.  
Then again, Anders was against the demons so if he knew the truth about how Jowan had gotten his abilities as well as how he used it, then Anders was maybe more willing to let it slide.

Alistair honestly didn't know which it could be and quite frankly, he didn't question it. He wasn't about to go around, being the pot calling the kettle black as Theron liked to say. That and Talaerion really had pressed on Alistair making an effort on befriending Jowan.

Talaerion was a mage that had been a part of the blight, but from a different angel. He had been initiated as a Grey Warden roughly around the same time as Alistair had, but had been part of the battle at Ostagar itself, rather having been sent off at some errand to light a lighthouse.  
Talaerion had survived the onslaught along with a handful of other Wardens and he had become a "leader" of sorts for that group.  
They had met up together in Denerim at the time of the final battle and from there they had worked together to bring Vigil's Keep back together.  
Now Talaerion was the new Warden Commander while Alistair and Theron served as his seconds, due to the young elfen mage's ability to lead, speak and keep a good grip on what was going on. While Alistair was getting better at it, he still preferred to have someone to follow. It left him more secure.

"Talae always gets to have all the fun," Anders pouted while releasing Jowan from his arms.  
"But I suppose he should get something to squeeze. He has been excited ever since Alistair sent the message that he had snagged you."

"... Really?" Jowan looked amazed and awed by the fact that not only had he been selected from many mages to come here, but he had been waited for. Expected. Wanted.  
It both broke Alistair's heart as well as warmed it because he had been in that exact situation. He had felt that pain of believing he was not wanted, then being welcomed somewhere with open arms.

"Of course, you twat," Anders said with a cheerful grin, wrapping an arm around Jowan's shoulder.  
"Allow me to show you around at the Keep after we let Talae squeeze the air out of you. Sound good to you?"

"Lead the way." Jowan turned and gave Alistair an apologetic smile as he handed the bigger man the reins of his horse. "I am sorry, but... It seems like I am enlisted by someone else."

"I don't mind, knock yourself out," Alistair grinned, giving them a small wave with his hand before taking the two horses to the stables to be fed and groomed.  
The mage's bags were still fastened to the horse's back, but Alistair didn't mind taking that inside either. He could leave it in the hallway until they decided on where to put him.

Once the horses were secure and Alistair had made sure that the stable-keeper were properly feeding and grooming them, he brought their belongings inside, securing Jowan's items in his own small "office" before returning to his own room.

Alistair's room was located at the first level of the Keep, close to the training grounds. As part of his duties, Alistair trained all young warriors that came to the keep and he ran a pretty tight ship when it came to duties, discipline and training.  
He was no Templar, the men were allowed freedom, but he also expected certain things from them.  
It also allowed him the freedom he wanted to use the grounds for his own, personal needs, often training there on his own as a way to keep himself in shape. That and he wasn't much for reading so he had to do something to keep himself busy, especially since Talaerion was a damn workaholic and Theron was busy with the hunting party, often being gone for days at a time.

Inhaling softly as he entered his room, Alistair set out on the task of emptying his bag, sorting out what was dirty and locating the papers that Talaerion would need for his own records. It was just a formality, but the young mage liked to have everything in order, which Alistair could understand.  
Besides, with Jowan's unfortunate reputation, it was nice to have the papers to wave around to whatever templar who decided to get cocky about the situation.

After disposing of his dirty laundry into a weaved basket by his bed, Alistair lifted it and brought it just outside his door.  
He didn't mind doing his own laundry, but they had a maid that was quite insistent that she wanted to do it. Something about the men not doing it the right way or using too much of the soap.

After "uncurling" the curled up papers, spending a minute or so smoothing out the worse of the wrinkles with the help of a book, Alistair ventured back into the halls of the Keep, heading towards the mage's office.

Talaerion was, as expected, not in his office when Alistair knocked on the door, so the former templar merely headed inside and put the papers onto the desk.  
He was probably busy showing Jowan around the keep, which could quickly take a couple of hours when thinking about the size of the place.

Jowan would probably be initiated in the following days, but for now, the mage would be allowed to rest and relax.  
In a way, Alistair could understand that because the initiation could very well be the last thing Jowan would experience. That thought did leave Alistair with a unpleasant feeling in his stomach, but that was a feeling he was getting used to. ... At least somewhat.  
It was never fun, knowing what he knew about the initiation to the Grey Wardens, but he also understood the secrecy.   
If they walked around, announcing that the initiation could kill them, then they wouldn't get very many to follow them...

They had been lucky as of late though.  
Anders, Oghren and Nathanial had all survived their initiation, with only that one, poor girl dying to the darkspawn blood.

A warrior woman named Johanna had also survived her initiation, which was a good thing. The woman was a great asset to their group.  
She was an exceptionally tough woman who did not take anything laying down. The daughter of a Ferelden army-man, Johanna had been trained for the role as a protector since she was a little girl and was quickly proving to be one of Alistair's most promising students.  
While Alistair had met his fair share of tough, no-nonsense women, Johanna was definitely one of the more tom-boyish, which made her all the more charming in Alistair's eyes.  
She was easily as beautiful as she was strong and while she might not be the first one to go in a corset (she would probably get Alistair in one first in all honesty), she would have no trouble taking of any high heels she might be wearing and beating you into a bloody pulp with it.  
That and she could out-drink most of the men in the army, which made it all the more better.

"You are back early, Ser Alistair," a warm, female voice greeted him as Alistair stepped out of Talaerion's office, making Alistair smile.  
Speak of the devil...

"Johanna, good to see you. I trust that the men has treated you well?"

"They tried to be cute the first day after you left, but nothing a run while in full body-armour couldn't take care off," Johanna grinned, crossing her arms over her chest.  
She had apparently just finished her duties for the day so she was dressed in a simple cotton tunic and breeches, her long, blond hair hanging loose instead of being tied up. She was still walking around in her hardened leather boots though.

"I bet," Alistair laughed, giving her a grin back.  
"Most men show that they are all bark and no bite after a proper run. I think I will take tomorrow off as well, just so I can watch you whip them into shape."

"I would be delighted to," Johanna mused before gesturing towards their mess-hall.  
"Interested in a bite? Dinner is being served soon and I am hungry enough to eat a horse."

"No stable-duty for you, Nibbler is too tired to defend himself after that ride," Alistair mused before gesturing for Johanna go ahead.  
"I would be delighted to though. With the newcomer safely inside the Keep, I doubt our fearless leader will let him out of his sight anytime soon."

"So everything went well then?" Johanna asked, giving Alistair a curious look.

"Very well. I managed to recruit a very promising mage with very special... Talents."

"Ah, yes, the blood mage, no?"

Alistair couldn't help the cough that escaped him from the bluntness Johanna showed with her comment.  
He wasn't surprised, not really. Johanna had never been one to care where people came from as long as they were good and honest, and it was something that Alistair also admired about her. Her open way of thinking.  
"Yes, the blood mage. But do keep that down for the time being. I don't want people starting to give him problems about it until he has the chance to actually show who he is. I know most here couldn't give a nug's arse about his talents, but we do have a couple of templars here that might not be so fond of the news."

"Like you," Johanna said with a teasing smirk, making Alistair roll his eyes some.

"Unlike some, I am actually able to grow up and expand my horizons somewhat."

"This is true," Johanna agreed. "Which is why you are such a wonderful second commander."

"Now you are just flattering me, and flattery will get you nowhere," Alistair replied with a smirk of his own, opening the door to the mess-hall and bowed lightly.  
"Ladies first."

"Oh, don't make me shove a sword up your arse," Johanna said jokingly, smirking back at the bastard prince as she ventured into the mess-hall.  
It was, unsurprising, already filled with hungry Wardens, some already seated and eating while others were standing in line to get their fill of food.  
As per usual, the dinner of the day seemed to be meat and if Alistair's nose did not betray him, he believed today's choice to be a proper beef stew.

"Best get in line before everything is gone," he said eagerly, flashing Johanna a grin before hurrying over to the line, feeling as excited as a child during it's birthday. At least he was easy to please.  
The line moved along quickly and just a few minutes later, Alistair was holding a large bowl of steaming stew in his hands.  
A quick look around revealed that he didn't even have to look around for a table as a very familiar mage with a most impressive hair-style (honestly, Alistair could have sworn that Talaerion kept that mane up with magic, but the mage swore that that was not the case) waved his hand in his direction.  
The Warden-Commander was not a big man, the elfen heritage saw to that, but he was an impressive man. The blond hair was usually put up in a pony-tail that reminded Alistair of the tail of a peacock, but the mage managed to make it look good. The young, slightly tanned face was tattooed with a beautiful tribal design and the robe of choice for the day seemed to match Anders' own taste; a simple robe with nothing to cover the arms or shoulders save from a leather-strap around their biceps. Seemed like they both had left the feathery pauldrons behind before dinner.

Alistair smiled to his Warden-Commander as he approached the table, seeing that both Anders and Jowan was already seated by the table as Alistair and Johanna joined them.  
"I see that you saved me a seat, Talae?"

"Indeed I did," Talaerion said with a grin, nodding his head towards the free chairs.  
"So take it before I decide to give it away to someone else."

"You wound me," Alistair mused, sitting down by the table before picking the spoon up from out of the thick stew, blowing a little on the food to cool it down.  
"Speaking of wound, where is the Antivan menace?"

"Still travelling," Talaerion said, already half-way down a mug with ale.  
"But I expect him home within the week, if everything goes as planned. The last letters indicated that he has dealt with the Crows that were pestering him. Some idiot named... Nuncio or something like it. Completely derailed him so he got stuck in Kirkwall."

"I could think of better places to get stuck," Alistair said, pulling a slight face.

"Indeed," Talaerion agreed, wrinkling his nose while scooping up some of the stew with his spoon.  
"Kirkwall isn't the safest of places for anyone to be right now, there are a lot of things brewing there."

"Makes me reconsider going there," Anders replied, shaking his head.  
"But I still want to see if I can get Karl out of there... Poor sod doesn't deserve to be there."

"Just make sure you come back in one piece," Johanna said, giving the blond-haired mage a concerned look. "The place isn't exactly... Mage-friendly."

"Oh, don't worry. I will wear my Grey Warden membership necklace," Anders grinned, giving the woman a wink. "Besides, it's not like I am going to wander about, farting fire. I may be all for mage freedom and want justice on that front, but even I know that waving a red flag when going into the bull's enclosure is a bad, bad idea."

"Just don't zap idiots with lightning," Talaerion smirked. "... At least not where other people can see you and it can be used against you."

"You wound me, Commander," Anders pouted, waving his spoon in Talaerions direction.  
"I am the prime example of a sneak and hiding."

"And yet you were caught seven times when escaping from the tower," Jowan said with a slight grin of his own, carefully brushing his hair away from his face so it wouldn't be covered in stew.

"Minor flaws in an almost perfect plan," the blond mage replied.  
"Unfortunate and unforeseen events that makes things a bit harder to plan."

"That and your phylactery," the brown-haired mage reminded him.

"... Yes, there is that damn thing too."

"Which is now in our hands so you can sleep easy," Alistair replied with a small grin.

All the mages that were conscripted to the Wardens had their phylacteries collected and put in a secure room in the Keep. It wasn't because they were so damn keen on knowing where their mages were at all times, but it was for protection. Both for the mages sake in case a templar decided to be a jerk and go hunting (which had been a real situation with Anders when they first ran into him) and in case a mage went rogue.  
The Wardens were independent and they trusted the mages, even letting them travel for a little while on their own for different missions, but accidents and situations had happened, unfortunately...  
It had also been used for good, when a small group of mages, who had set out to help a plague-ridden village in the Frostback mountains, got caught and lost in a snowstorm. Without their phylacteries the Wardens would never have been able to find the poor mages, who had been forced to have taken refuge in a very secluded cave way sound of the village. How they had ended up there when travelling from the north was anyone's guess, but they had managed to save them.

"There is that. Makes me want to borrow it so I can wave it in the faces of templars in Kirkwall, but no. I will be a good boy, I promise," Anders said, placing a hand over his heart. "I swear on Andraste's knickers."

"Well, now I know you are serious," Talaerion grinned.

Alistair merely chuckled before giving Jowan a small smile. "So, how are you finding Vigils Keep so far?"

"A bit chilly," Jowan mused, but there was a happy smile playing on his lips. "But it is wonderful, Talaerion showed me your herb-garden and he made sure I got a room with a view to it, which I appreciate."

"Which floor?" Alistair asked after swallowing down a spoonful of stew.   
"I'll bring your belongings to your room, I just put it in my office so it wouldn't be in the way."

"Second," the mage replied, blowing a little on his stew before eating it.  
"Since the first floor was used for storage as I understood it," he added after swallowing, carefully wiping his mouth with a piece of cloth.

"Gotcha," Alistair confirmed, not bothering with too much table manners right now.  
"And trust me, you don't want to stay on the first floor, not so near the garden. There tends to be rats, but Anders' cat is trying his best to take care of the issue."

"I think Ser Pounce-A-Lot needs an assistant," Anders confirmed.  
"As wonderful a rat-catcher he is, the damn things are breeding like crazy. They are living too good a life here."

"And Theron is trying his best at finding and sealing their holes, but they are crafty little buggers," Talaerion piped up.

"Maker bless that little bugger," Alistair said, smiling some when thinking about the long-haired elf. "He is going to work himself into an early grave, I swear. Speaking of the devil, where is he? I haven't seen him yet and he is usually never late for dinner."

"Out with the hunting-party. We're still well-stocked, but he wanted to make sure that our meat-stock is good since we don't have the funds to trade a lot, with all the repairs and upgrades on the Keep."

"Seems like the Dalish in him is taking over again," Alistair mused, though there was no ill-meaning behind the word.  
Theron was, in every sense of the word, a provider, used to making sure that his clan, be it the one he came from or his new-found order had everything they needed.

Together with Sadron, a fellow Dalish, but from a different clan, they made an impeccable pair when it came to hunting, skinning and gathering.

"Better him that me, I am a lousy hunter," Anders mused before fishing a piece of meat up from his bowl with his fingers and put it under the table.  
"But you are a good one, Ser Pounce-A-Lot," he cooed as a soft meow was heard from under the table. "yes, you are. And you deserve a treat for catching that big, fat rat in the classroom the other day. Yes, you do. Oh yes, you do."

Talaerion just rolled his eyes at Anders. "Let me know when you are done eating, Jowan, and I will show you the rest of the area. If we have time, we can take a quick ride to Amaranthine. It's not looking too bad now, after we cleaned up the Darkspawn there."

"I'd love too," Jowan said, smiling happily, which in turn made Alistair feel good. Jowan looked so much happier than he had in the tower, which was a given, but it seems the reunion with people that cared for him... It certainly did miracles.

Before long, the long-haired mage vanished with Jowan and Anders, while Alistair declined the invite to join them. He'd already spend too much time on a horse and his rear was starting to feel it.  
Instead, he polished off a third helping of the hearty stew before fulfilling his promise to Jowan, taking his equipment to his room before retreating to his own.  
As soon as he was back in his room, he let himself fall with his back first onto the bed, letting his left arm rest over his belly while his right rested lightly behind his head. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly, just letting the stress and tension bleed out of him along with his breath.

It had been a interesting week so far and while the "hard" part was behind him, there was still the initiation left.   
And the initiation could go both ways.

Jowan would get a day or so to rest and relax, Talaerion wanted to give the brown-haired mage as good as chance as any to survive the ritual, and with no blight going on there was no rush to make Jowan drink darkspawn blood.  
Talaerion would probably bring Jowan near one of the many entrances to the deep-roads so he could hunt for his own vial of blood, as tradition had them do, but that was for another day.

Closing his eyes, Alistair inhaled deeply again, letting the image of Jowan flicker in front of his eyes for a second or two.  
He really hoped that the mage would survive when the time came. Anything else would be downright unfair. The young man had done so much, tried to atone for everything that he had done and Alistair honestly felt that Jowan deserved that chance. To prove that he was not the monster that some people thought he was.

Though his fate was not up to Alistair to decide.  
It was all in the hands of the Maker once the darkspawn blood passed Jowan's lip.

All he could do was wait.


	7. Chapter 7

Alistair was at half-a mind to ask if he could pass on this one, not sure if he wanted to watch Jowan drink the blasted blood and maybe, just maybe, fall prey to its poison.  
He almost asked Talaerion if he could just skip this round, tempted to fake a cough, anything to prevent himself from having to witness what could be a sad event instead of a good one.

Almost.

It was stupid and he knew it. This was why you weren't supposed to get close with the people you conscripted because you never knew if they would actually survive the initiation to the Grey Wardens.  
It was almost funny. As a senior Warden; heck, the oldest and longest member of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden (which didn't really say much unless you thought about the tragic events at Ostagar), he should have known better.

Still, he went through it, just as a good senior Warden was supposed to do.  
He just hoped that nobody noticed the slight stutter when he spoke the old words belonging to the ceremony. Hoped nobody saw how hard he gripped the goblet before handing it to the recruits.  
Hoped nobody saw that he looked away when Jowan brought the metal to his lips and drank the vicious liquid.

He couldn't hide how he sprung to action once the three recruits went down, going for Jowan first because, Maker damned it, he actually knew him!  
He didn't try to hide the sigh of relief as he saw the man's chest rise and fall, smiling some as he looked up at Talaerion and Theron. "He's still alive."

It seemed like they had caught a good batch of people, it was rare for all of them to survive the joining, but Alistair was not complaining.  
Heck, he even laughed a little when one of the men, a warrior that had come to the Keep just two days ago, cursed and spat before exclaiming he had not felt this bad since the night of his wedding, but that the drinks served here had been better.  
Jowan himself looked a bit greener around the gills, but Theron brought him down to Anders so the mage could look at him and give him something for his stomach.  
Alistair knew just how much havoc the blood did to ones body and everyone seemed to respond differently. He fully expected for the new Wardens to take to bed for the remaining of the day and he could hardly blame them for it.

He was just happy that they had all survived this time.  
Especially Jowan.

And he felt extremely guilty about the fact that he was "favouring" Jowan over the others because he wasn't supposed to.

He just couldn't help himself.

***

"You've been staring rather dreamily into the air as of late," Talaerion commented as he approached the warrior from behind, making the bigger Warden jump ever so slightly.  
Ah, it was too easy to startle Alistair at times, especially when the man was deep in thought.

The former templar had not been present at lunch and after some searching, the mage had found Alistair on the roof of one of the southern towers, leaning against the stone and gazing into the air with a rather dreamy look.  
"Anything I should be concerned about? Someone I need to have a talk to?"

"P-pardon?" Alistair stuttered, his cheeks already flaring up from embarrassment.  
"I am not staring into the air, especially not dreamily, I am just... thinking."

"About," Talaerion asked, dragging the word out in a rather sing-song matter, his lips tugging up into a bigger smile.

"... Nothing," Alistair mumbled, looking away from the mage's piercing gaze, wondering for a moment if said mage was trying to read his mind.  
"Can't a man stand outside, draw in some fresh air and just reflect on the time that has passed?"

"Of course he can. In fact, I encourage it, but I have rarely seen such a look of... Longing on your face," Talaerion, smirking some as he leaned against the stone-battlement and gazed over the compound underneath.  
"So there must be something on your mind. Or someone."

"Don't be silly, I don't have time to get involved," Alistair grumbled, but he couldn't exactly hide the nice shade of red that appeared on his cheeks.

Talaerion only grinned when seeing it, giving his friend a nudge. "You sure about that? There's no one special who has caught your mind? Someone new...? Someone with nice, shoulder-length, brown hair? Beautiful grey eyes? Very kissable lips? A good head on his shoulder, a flair for healing magic and a love for everything cuddly?"

"... I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Come on, Alistair, I know you," Talaerion exclaimed loudly, making Alistair jump before quickly shushing him.  
"It's nothing to be ashamed off, being attracted to a man. I would have tried my luck on him myself if it wasn't for the fact that he was like my brother in the circle. That and Lily, though I had a suspicion that that relationship wouldn't last long, but I won't go into that," he added, waving his hand at the red-faced warrior.

"I am not ashamed of anything," Alistair deflected, though he carefully avoided looking into Talaerion's eyes.

"And yet you seek him out anytime you are outside, or when you have dinner," another familiar voice said teasingly.  
Alistair merely glared at the dalish rogue, who strolled over to Talaerion, handing him a piece of folded up parchment. "A letter from my clan, Warden-Commander," he said, ignoring the feeble attempt of glaring from Alistair. Theron was a gentle and shy man most of the time, but he had learned to handle Alistair during their travels.

"Ah, thank you. I had hoped we could have a meeting with them," Talaerion said, carefully unfolding the paper before frowning. "... Damned it. I suppose it was too much to hope for."

"Don't give up just yet, I will try to arrange a meeting before they move to Kirkwall, but I cannot make any promises. I spoke to the messenger and it seems like there is some sort of internal conflict between my clansmen."

"Do you need to go as well?"

Theron shook his head. "My duty is here," he said in a gentle voice, his lips tugging into a small smile.

Talaerion nodded some, but his eyes didn't leave the Dalish. "If you say so, but if you feel you need to go, they say so," he murmured.  
"But we can talk about later, in my office. For now, we have a big hunk of a man to work on."

"I'd rather hoped you had forgotten about me," Alistair grunted, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Why, we'd never," Talaerion grinned, making the larger man sigh.

"I was afraid of that," Alistair sighed, shaking his head. "Just... What do you want me to say?"

"That you are giving our new resident mage some rather intense looks," Talaerion suggested, smiling at Alistair as the larger man's face turned an interesting shade of red. It was always fun, trying to discover in just how many different ways he would make him blush.  
"Or at least admit that he looks rather fetching in his robes. Or having colour on his cheeks from actually being out of that Maker-forsaken tower?"

"... That is asking a lot," Alistair mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up further. If this continued, his ears would catch fire soon.  
"I just... I will admit that I was wrong about Jowan. I admitted that a long time ago. And I find him... Nice. And I wish him well."

"And?"

"And that is all I am going to say about that," Alistair said firmly. "He is a good man, a good mage and a good addition to the Wardens."

"So if I said that I know that Jowan would very much like to walk under the stars with you one night, you will not take advantages of that?" Talaerion leered, giving Alistair a small grin.

"... If... The man wishes to spend time with me, all he has to do is ask," Alistair said slowly.

"And would it kill you to ask him first?" Talaerion smirked before reaching out, giving the bigger man a firm punch to his shoulder.  
"I mean, you seem fascinated by him, even if it just a friendly chat. And you have a history together, even if it is a slightly negative one. Based on your reports from the tower and your interactions when you first came here, you seem to have gotten past that."  
When Alistair raised an eyebrow at him, Talaerion just grinned. "I know you two seemed friendly, courtesy of our lovely Anders."

"... Of course."

"And Jowan has told me how kind you have been towards him, both in the tower and during your trip back here." The grin turned warmer as Talaerion let his eyes meet with Alistair's more properly.  
"He was genuinely surprised that you not only spoke to him, but also the way you treated him, especially after how you reacted the first time you met him."

"... You two have spoken a lot, haven't you?" Alistair asked, looking more uncomfortable.  
"I mean, I knew you two were friends in the Circle, but-"

"Of course we spoke," Talaerion chuckled. "The man was like my brother when we were in the circle together. I wanted to hit him over the head for the blood-magic business, but we had a good talk about that too."

"I assume this was before he came here."

"Of course. There is this wonderful thing called "letters"," Talaerion smirked. "And being Warden Commander has it perks when it comes to delivering and receiving letters from supposed dangerous fugitives. Not that Jowan would ever hurt anyone unless he was desperate, but you know. Blood magic."

"Well, you can't deny the bad name it has and I still feel that blood magic when gifted by a blighted demon is a bad, bad thing," Alistair replied, though he made sure to add pressure to the "demon" part of his sentence.   
He was fully aware that Jowan had learned it on his own accord and wanted to give credit were credits were due.

"And I won't deny that, but we are drifting completely away from the subject at hand, which is about you, Jowan and the way your eyes have drifted down to his very shapely rear end when you think nobody is looking."

"I have done no such thing!"

Talaerion's smile turned into that damn smirk again. "Your blushing cheeks tell me otherwise."

“Leave my blushing cheeks out of this,” Alistair mumbled, looking away from Talaerion.

“All I am saying,” Talaerion laughed as he gestured for Theron to follow him, flashing Alistair a final grin as he started heading towards the door leading inside.  
“-is that someone is going to wake up to what kind of man Jowan is and by then, you may be too late. You have a huge advantage here. Just think about it.”

Alistair just let out a sound that was part sigh, part whine, making both Talaerion and Theron laugh as they vanished out of sight.  
He really wanted to yell after them that it was not that easy.  
In fact, he wasn’t even sure how to even go about such a… What even was it?

Alistair was readily admitting that he was very inexperienced when it came to matters of the heart, having never had a relationship himself.  
That was to say, he had stopped to admire many people over the years, even finding many of them attractive. And Jowan was definitely on that list.

Jowan was… Different.  
There was a natural beauty and grace to him, so unlike many of the other people Alistair had encountered.

But how did you go about courting someone, especially when you both happened to be men? It wasn’t like two men together was frowned upon in Ferelden, Alistair knew that much, but he had also seen what had happened when a man had tried to court another man in the wrong way.  
There was also the fact that Jowan had been in a romantic relationship with a woman in the past, though Talaerion seemed to believe that Jowan was open for the thought of being with a man. 

Sighing heavily, Alistair looked down at the stony surface he was resting on, biting his bottom lip slightly as the thoughts kept spinning around his head.

Talaerion was right about one thing though.

People, while still wary about Jowan and his past, were warming up to the mage and it would not be long before someone would show interest in him on a more... intimate level. If that happened, Alistair would have no chance before he was not about to ruin someone else's happiness like that by courting a taken man.

"Maybe... Maybe just a small walk won't hurt," he mumbled to himself, shifting from foot to foot as he considered the idea.  
"I mean... It won't harm anyone, right? It's just a walk."

A second heavy escaped the Grey Warden as he hung his head, eyes cast downwards.  
Why were these things always so damn hard..?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next installment of Alistair's very awkward attempts at romancing Jowan.   
> Problem is, Alistair doesn't see it, even when it jumps up and bites him on the nose. So he needs a good friend to point him in the right direction!

Finding the courage to actually ask Jowan if he wished to, as Talaerion had put it, walk underneath the stars with Alistair was proving to be difficult.  
Alistair could fight an entire group of darkspawn without his heart-rate increasing, but lately, the second he walked up to Jowan for a friendly chat, he started sweating and stuttering until he excused himself and all but ran away from the mage.

He was fairly sure that whatever impression Jowan had of him, it had been replaced by "idiot" by now.

Talaerion, Zevran and Theron was relentless in their teasing, but at least Theron had the courtesy to keep it clean, suggesting different ways to court Jowan like the Dalish did it; presenting him with something Alistair had hunted and killed.  
After the suggestions Zevran had given him, which mentioned something about an Antivan Milk sandwich, Alistair was tempted to just kill something and present it to Jowan like Theron suggested if not for one thing: He was a rubbish hunter.

In the end, the best advice came from Johanna, which was not that surprising when Alistair thought about it, but it was also the hardest one to follow: "Just court the man in the way you think he will like. You already know him and you know the things he likes. Just... Do it your way. If he likes you, it is that he wants, not someone else."  
This ended in Alistair spending a lot of time subtly trying to find out just what Jowan liked so he could start his courtship without seeming too obvious about the fact that he was fishing for information.

If Jowan had noticed Alistair's feeble attempts, he was kind enough not to say anything. In fact, he was acting as Alistair was not acting like a bumbling idiot, just smiling and greeting him as they passed one another, making polite small-talks during dinner-service and even bringing him tea in the evenings when Alistair was up to his ears in reports and letters from the Grey Wardens around in Thedas.  
Heck, he even helped him sorting his papers when the load became too much, assisting in handling the easier tasks that Alistair absolutely despised; things as writing letters to nobles , answering letters from nobles and just anything having to do with nobles and authorities.

In high site, maybe Alistair should have kept his own eyes with him and he might have noticed something earlier.

His persistent, if not awkward search for more information about the blood mage eventually bore fruits though and all Alistair could really think about was how to use the information he now had.  
Jowan was, as it turned out, very fond of small cuddly things, especially rabbits. He had discovered a small family of rabbits in the forest, Theron had told him, and was often out there to put out salad and vegetables for them to eat, ensuring their survival in the harsh winter-months that would soon come.  
Jowan also loved blueberries and, since it was the season for it, would bring a bowl with them to his room from time to time, when the kitchen had any to spare as most of it was used to make jam and wine for the winter.  
He also loved books, especially those with beautiful typography and images. While Alistair himself was barely able to write a report that looked readable, Jowan apparently practiced his writing, spending many hours copying down texts or simply writing for the enjoyment of it. Alistair had seen the result of the practise on his desk when Jowan had delivered him shopping-lists, and he couldn't deny that Jowan had beautiful penmanship.

In fact, he was studying one of the mentioned lists, his eyes taking in the letters more than the actual words and when he tried to remember what he had just read, his mind came up with nothing.  
Maker's breath, but this was annoying.  
He was about to give up for the night when a soft knock came at the door, making Alistair look up from Jowan's neatly written list.  
"Yes?"

The door creaked open and Jowan's head peered around the corner, smiling when he saw Alistair. "Ah, good. I was afraid you had called it a night," he said as he entered the room fully, one hand on the door and the other holding a steaming cup of tea.  
"Talaerion said that you looked ready to tip the desk last time he saw you so... I thought I would bring you this," he said, nodding to the cup as he slowly walked over to Alistair, leaving the door half ajar.

"Ah, thank you, that's... That is very kind of you, Jowan," he said softly before gesturing to the tea. "What is it?"

"Elfroot, but I know that that is bitter so I've added a bit of honey and dried berries into the mix. It should be sweeter," Jowan said softly as he put the cup down carefully onto the desk, careful so he wouldn't put them on top of any papers.  
"It will hopefully prevent any headaches from appearing and soothe any aches you may already have."

"I... Thank you, Jowan," Alistair said again, feeling his cheeks redden ever so slightly. "That is very kind. And thoughtful. Kind and thoughtful," he added, then mentally cursing himself as he realised that he was just babbling. He could might as well just puke out random words; he might get luckier with that.

"Do not mention it," Jowan said, hesitating a little by the desk, as if wanting to say something. It was either that or he was waiting for something.  
"I... I shall leave you to your work then," he said after a few seconds of awkward silence. "If there is anything I can do or assist you with, then let me know. Okay? I am only too happy to help you."

"Yes. Yes, of course," Alistair said, smiling brightly at Jowan. "I will do that," he added, his mind already trying to find something he could use as a valid excuse to have Jowan spend more time in his office. Maybe then he would find the courage to actually say something to him.  
"Okay. Good," Jowan said, giving him another smile before leaving the room, silently closing the door behind him.  
Alistair remained quiet, listening to the mage's footsteps echoing down the stone hallways until they vanished completely. He let out a small sigh and picked up the teacup, carefully sipping at it.  
Jowan was right, he found, savouring the mouthful before swallowing it. The tea was sweeter, the taste of honey and berries overshadowing the bitter taste of elfroot. He licked over his lips, tasting the sweet honey there and for a moment he wondered what it would be like to kiss Jowan. Would his lips taste of honey as well?

"Stop it," Alistair mumbled, shaking his head a little as his mind was determined to keep thinking about Jowan and his lips. Not that Alistair didn't like thinking about his lips, he just didn't want to think about them while he was trying to find a good way to actually court the man. He had to court him because he could kiss those lips after all.  
He took another sip from the tea as his attention returned to his reports, then looked up as another knock sounded at his door.  
"Come in," he called out while looking up; wondering of Jowan had forgotten something. He had looked like he had wanted to say something.

"Busy," Talaerion asked as he opened the door, giving Alistair a small grin as he came into the room.

"Only busy trying not to smack my head against the table," Alistair had replied with a sigh, but he was still happy to see Talaerion.  
"Honestly, how do you do it? Sitting in the office, shuffling papers, reading letters, making and sending reports. I am about to go mad."

"Sex helps," Talaerion said with a grin, moving over to Alistair's desk and sitting down onto it.  
"Lots and lots of sex. Oh, and ale."

"Well, ale I can get behind," Alistair mused, his own lips tugging into a smirk, even as his cheeks flushed.  
"So, what can I do for you? Or are you here to save me from the paperwork?"

"I was actually just dropping by to see how you were doing," Talaerion said with a small smile, nodding his head towards Alistair's mug. "What are you drinking?"

"Some lovely tea Jowan prepared for me," Alistair said. "Elfroot with honey and dried blueberries, I believe he said. It's very good."

"So Jowan was here," Talaerion asked, giving Alistair an almost expectant look. 

"... Yes, I just said so."

"Giving you tea."

"... Yes, he usually does so when I work late."

Talaerion just continued to look at Alistair, who looked back at him, one eyebrow raised.  
"Forgive me, Talaerion, but... Are you trying to tell me something here?"

"... Wow, when you said that you were inexperienced, I didn't think you were blind too."

"That's hurtful, you know."

"Oh, you deserve it, you dense idiot," Talaerion said, actually leaning forward to thwap Alistair over the head.  
"Don't you see?"

"See what?" Alistair whined, rubbing his hand over his scalp while giving Talaerion a slight glare.  
"What does Jowan bringing me tea having to do with anything?"

"Every time you work late?" Talaerion added, his own eyebrow rose as he eyed his larger friend with an intense look.

Alistair felt quiet, hand still on his head as he started processing what Talaerion was telling him, feeling the pieces slowly, very slowly, fall into place.  
The tea, especially crafted for him and his needs... The small, almost shy smiles... The way Jowan always made time to talk to him or help him, even when he himself was busy with something. 

"... Maker's breath."

"Do you finally see now?" Talaerion asked, the look giving way for a somewhat triumphant smile.

"I... I think so. Maker, I hope so," Alistair said as he looked up at his friend.  
"He did this... Because..?" He trailed off slowly, leaving the last word as an open question, one he didn't dare to fill out just yet.

"Oh, yes," Talaerion merely said.

"And I completely blew it," Alistair groaned, placing his head into his hands. "... He was even waiting. Maker, I bet he was hoping that... That I would maybe say something or to get the chance to say something to me and I just... I just blew it completely."

"Not completely," Talaerion replied. "You blew this chance, but there will be more chances. And remember what I told you, my friend. Jowan is interested and all you need to do is walk up to him and tell him so. You will make his day."

"But he's come here, giving me tea for many days, many weeks. What if this was the last straw?"

"Then perhaps you should rectify that?" Talaerion suggested, a small smile playing on his lips.  
"I bet Jowan really likes tea as well."

Alistair looked over at the cup, looking at the golden-red liquid inside it.  
The taste of honey and blueberries still on his lips as he slowly licked his tongue over them.  
"... I think I know what I must do."

"Then what are you waiting for," Talaerion grinned, looking very much like the cat who had just polished off a bowl with cream, but Alistair didn't allow himself time to call his friend out on it.  
Instead he just stood up from his desk and hurried towards the door, leaving his friend in his office.

He had a mage to find.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair and Jowan finally get a chance to express their feelings!

Alistair had absolutely no plan ready as he walked down the hallway, trying not to stop for the third time as his mind desperately came up with a plan.  
What was he going to say? Do?  
"Hello, Jowan. Thank you for the tea, it was delicious. By the way, you are delicious too."

Maker's breath, but Jowan would laugh at him of he tried something like that.  
Then again, maybe that's what needed. Maybe that would break the tension and buy Alistair enough time to come up with something cleverer.  
He was half-way tempted to drop by Anders's room and ask for good tips, but he was a bit worried about the almost-guarantied vulgar suggestions that would come out of his mouth.  
No. No, he had to do this on his own.

It would certainly give Jowan a good, long look at the awkwardness that was Alistair Theirin, and he could decide from there if he was willing to give it a go or not.

Breathing in hard through his nose, Alistair stopped outside Jowan's door, almost praying that the mage was either deeply asleep or hadn't returned to his quarters yet.  
He could see the soft, warm light from the lanterns from underneath the door, but he could have left them on by accident, surely.  
"Just do it," he mumbled to himself and, before his brain would change his mind again, lifted his hand and let his fist knock firmly on the door.

"Just a moment."

Maker, Jowan was actually there and if Alistair fled now, he would be a coward and an asshole. He wasn't sure if he could live with that knowledge.

When Jowan finally opened the door, Alistair just stared at him, noting how the mage's hair had been gathered in a loose ponytail.

"Oh, Alistair. I didn't expect you here now. Something you needed?" The mage smiled warmly as he looked at the former templar, waiting for him to speak.  
Half a minute went by without a word and the warm look turned more concern. "... Alistair? Are you alright?"

"The tea was good," Alistair blurted out, and then smacked his hand hard across his own face, letting it rest there. "No. No, that's... That's not why I am here. That is wrong. But the tea was good, I meant that!"

"... Okay," Jowan said slowly, still having that look of concern on his face. "I am glad that the tea was good."

"Maker, I am really no good at this," Alistair moaned, moving both hands to his face in attempt to hide it. He could already feel it burning and if he kept making a fool out of himself, he was sure his head was going to explode.  
Maybe that would be for the better as he was clearly not using it for anything important.

"Would you like to come inside and sit down, perhaps," Jowan offered carefully. "You do not look so good."

Alistair slowly nodded, hands still covering his face. "... Yes, please."

Jowan merely nodded, even though Alistair couldn't see it, but he could feel the gentle hand as it grasped at his shirt, tugging him inside.  
"You can remove your hands, you know," Jowan said softly, his voice warm and gentle.

Alistair hesitated before nodding again, slowly removing his hands from his face. Jowan wasn't in front of him, having stepped around him to close the door.

"Would you like some tea, Alistair?"

"Yes. Yes, please," Alistair stuttered as he tried not to just stare at Jowan as the blood-mage headed over to his fireplace. There was already a roaring fire burning in the hearth of it and a kettle was placed close to the flames.  
Instead he took the chance to actually look around Jowan's room, figuring he could use the chance when he had it.

It was modest, which wasn't all that surprising. Jowan had only been with them for a few weeks and he had not brought with him a lot of personal belongings.  
Still, Alistair was able to note down a few things that just seemed to scream "Jowan".   
Like the soft-looking blue cotton blanket that was folded up at the foot-end of the bed. Or a pair of woollen socks knitted with bright, warm colours resting over the back of a chair by Jowan's window. A bookshelf filled with books on herbology, spiritual energies and magic.  
He hoped that, in time, Jowan would get more opportunities to fill his room with small, personal touches.

As he gazed around, Jowan appeared in front of him, holding a steaming cup of tea in his hands. When Alistair jumped, Jowan smiled, a small chuckle escaping him. "Seems like I make for a better rogue than I do a mage sometimes," he murmured before holding the cup out. "Here you go, Alistair."

"Thank you," Alistair managed to croak out, taking the cup carefully so his own hands wouldn't burn.

Jowan merely smiled before gesturing to the chair by his work-desk. "Have a seat, Alistair. No need to drink your tea standing."

Alistair moved over to the chair and slowly sat down, still looking around the room as he nipped at the tea.  
It was sweetened with honey and he could taste the fruity flavours of bitter berries underneath the taste of honey.  
"You have a very nice room," he said after a few seconds of silence. "And being on this side of the Keep, you must get the sun even when it is late in the evening?"

"Yes, it lasts a long time, which is nice," Jowan said while preparing a cup of tea for himself, then moving over to the bed to sit on the edge.  
"It also helps on the light. Or rather, the dark. I don't get the sun in my face in the early morning."

"I do, but I kind of prefer that. It's the only wake-up call I get since I am usually the first man up," Alistair replied with a somewhat awkward smile.  
"If I didn't have it, I would sleep until the sun was high on the sky."

"No curtains then," Jowan asked.

"No curtains," Alistair confirmed, nipping at his tea again.   
Silence filled the room again as the two of them merely enjoyed their tea, which Alistair was glad for. He needed the little time-out to actually sort his brain out as he had no real plan as to what to say or do.

"So," Jowan finally said, breaking the silence as he put the cup down onto the floor by his feet. "Was there something you wished to talk to me about?"

The question had been expected, but Alistair still didn't feel ready for it. He had no real answer.  
"Yes," he said honestly, putting the cup down onto Jowan's desk before clasping his hands together between his legs, leaning his elbows on top of his thighs as he leaned forward.   
"But... I honestly do not know what to say."

"How about just... Start talking then," Jowan suggested, giving Alistair a warm, friendly smile. "And see what comes of it? Sometimes, sense can be found in nonsense."

Alistair let out a small chuckle before nodding, inhaling deeply through his nose. "Okay then. Let's give it again."  
He exhaled, then inhaled again, repeating the motion a couple of times before looking at Jowan. "... I didn't like you, when we first met," he started, then winced some as he saw the slight look of hurt on Jowan. "Wait, wait, that... That was a horrible start," he added quickly, resisting the urge to just slam his head against a wall. "But I think it is important that... That I get that out of the way. Far away, way over the Frostback Mountains."

"Okay," Jowan merely said slowly, allowing the ex-templar to continue.

"I didn't like you," Alistair repeated, holding his hands up. "But the reason I didn't like you was because of things that were beyond your control. The poisoning of a man you thought were no good, but that happened to be my uncle. The blood-magic... Well, that is a different story all together, but that also played a reason in me not liking you at the start. But that was my fault because I was so... Uneducated when it came to magic that could only see the black and white of it. A fire burns things, water cleans stuff, the sky is blue, grass is green, bloodmagic is only used for evil."  
He let his lips tug into a small, awkward smile. "A simple mind with simple thoughts. There you have me."

"I hardly think you are simple," Jowan said with a slight smile. "And even if you were, what is wrong with it? You know right from wrong and that is good."

"That may be so, but it also made me treat someone horrible because of it," Alistair said quietly. "Someone who did not deserve it. I was focused on my own anger and I did not realise the story you had before we met again in the tower of magi."  
He hesitated, but then slowly lifted his hand and brought it to Jowan, taking his own, slender hand in his. It was slightly cold to the touch, but Alistair's own warm hand seemed to heat it fast.  
"I got to see the man then and not the actions that had blinded me as we brought you back. I had grown by then, thankfully, and I finally listened to the advice that good friends gave me the first time around when we met. And what I found then completely changed everything for me. I did not see evil or someone who had done wrong. Not anymore." He smiled some and gently squeezed the hand in his. "I saw a person. A fantastically kind and warm person. A person that carried so much pain inside him, and yet he still gave his kindness freely. Misguided at some point, yes, but ready to atone and pay for what he had done wrong."

Jowan flushed and looked down, unable to hold Alistair's gaze and for a moment Alistair thought that he had said something that had offended him.  
"I knew that the things I did was wrong... But I was slow to realise it. As I told you in the tower, I dabbled with bloodmagic because I believed it would make me a better mage. Not stronger, I was never after power. Just... Better. Good enough so that I finally could go through my harrowing and feel... Safe," he whispered.  
"The Arl... I regretted it very quickly after I started it, but I was desperate. I wanted to believe he was bad, but a part of me knew he was good. But how could I go against the father of the Queen? Loghain, he... He used to be so respected, so good. A good friend of King Maric, so I wanted to believe him..."

"And I don't blame you for that," Alistair said quickly. "You were not the only one who was fooled. Almost all of Ferelden believed him based on his good merits, only a few could see that he had become desperate. Desperate to honour King Maric and keep the legacy of Ferelden strong."  
He brought his other hand up to Jowan's chin and gently tilted his head up so he could see him. "You should pay no more than others, especially since this is not your fault. You were only a good, loyal subject to the one that was believed your leader."

"I just wish I had had the strength to stop, but I was so tired then," Jowan murmured, his smile weak and sad.

"You had run for a long time by then," Alistair murmured, looking into the warm, grey eyes, letting his hand land on Jowan's shoulder instead.  
"... I just hope you feel you don't have to run anymore."

"Not for a while now and I am grateful for it," Jowan replied, smiling gently at Alistair. "And I have you to thank for that. If you had not seen me in the Circle and took the time to talk to me, I probably would never have had this chance. Not in a million years."

"Well, I kinda hope you wouldn't live that long," Alistair chuckled, smiling back. "Would be boring, living for that long, watching as all your friends died. ... Maker, that is depressing, isn't it? I wasn't supposed to come here and depress you."

Jowan let out a soft laugh, giving his head a small shake. "No harm done, Alistair. And I thank you for the kind words you have shared with me tonight."

"Wait," Alistair said quickly, shaking his own head slightly. "I... I am not done."

"You... You are not," Jowan asked, tilting his head and looking a little curious.

"I am not," Alistair echoed, swallowing hard as he tried to find something good to say. Something that would properly explain to Jowan the nature of his feelings and what he wished of him.  
"... I like you, Jowan. I... I would very much like to... To court you."

"... Pardon?"

Alistair winced some at the surprised look on Jowan's face. "That... That did not come out as I wanted it. Or it did, I mean what I said, but... I wanted it to sound more... Elegant," he managed to croak out before sighing, lowering his head some.  
"... Maker, I feel like such a fool now," he whispered, removing his hands from Jowan's shoulder. "I understand if you find me wicked, annoying or just pathetic. I have never been good at this, I just... I want to say things, but I feel like such a blubbering idiot, being all hands and no sense."

"I think you are making plenty of sense," Jowan said warmly, letting his own hand touch Alistair's chin, making the ex-templar tilt his head upwards until their eyes met.  
"And I accept."

"... You do?"

Jowan nodded, his lips tugged into a warm smile. "I do. I've... I've rather been hoping that you were... Interested in me. As I have been very much interested in you, but I believe we have suffered from the same lack of courage and words," he murmured, chuckling softly. "I tried to do things instead, but I guess I was too subtle."

"Oh, trust me," Alistair chuckled, giving Jowan a lopsided grin. "Unless you want something to go past me, you all but need to hit me in the face with me for me to catch on."

"I will keep that in mind," Jowan laughed, which in turn made Alistair smile even more.  
Maker, but that was a sweet, beautiful sound. He wanted to hear it more; all the time if he could make it happen.

"I... I am glad though," he murmured instead, reaching out to take the hand under his chin in his, giving it a squeeze. "I must warn you though, I am... Very inexperienced in this matter so I might need some guidance. Or firm commands."

"I am sure we can muddle through it somehow," Jowan murmured softly.

"I would very much like it if we could," Alistair murmured tilting his head some.  
He watched Jowan, watched that warm, sweet smile and the tender look that was in his eyes.   
Maker, but he looked like the sweetest thing he had ever seen, sitting there. The long, brown hair, the nice, full-looking lips...   
Deciding to just go with it, Alistair leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Jowan's, closing his eyes as he felt the mage respond to his rather clumsy attempt at kissing.  
He didn't have as much experience as he would have liked; the few kisses he had experienced had been rather long ago, but they could not compare to the sweetness of the kiss he was currently sharing with Jowan's. He had expected it to be weird, not knowing how it would be kissing a man or if there would be any noticeable differences, but he found that there was none to be had. Jowan's lips were warm, full, and perfect as they pressed against his own.  
Lifting his hand up, Alistair let it slide into Jowan's dark hair, caressing through it as he just gently held him, touched him.

He had no idea how long the kiss lasted, but eventually they broke for air, just smiling as they looked at one another, breathing slightly harder than normal.  
"Wow," he whispered, earning a soft chuckle from Jowan.

"Wow indeed," he echoed before leaning forward, letting his forehead rest against Alistair's. "That... That was very nice."

"It was," Alistair agreed, letting his hand slide out of Jowan's hair so he could cup his cheek.   
"So... Does this mean you agree to...? Us?"

Jowan let out another chuckle before smiling at Alistair. "Yes. Yes, it does."

"Oh. Great." This time Alistair chuckle, his cheeks slightly red, but he did not care. Jowan had said yes. Had said yes to be with Alistair and he couldn't be happier.  
"... Not great. Fantastic. I..."

"Don't hurt yourself thinking," Jowan teased, the look in his eyes warm and fond. "I think I know how you feel. Pretty sure I feel it myself right now."

"I'm just so happy," Alistair said. "I... I have no idea what I am doing, just so you know, but I will try. I want to do us right. Do all of it right. So if I do something wrong or anything... Just let me know, okay?"

"I don't think you have to worry about it," Jowan murmured, smiling gently. "I think you are doing very well so far."

"Good. I am glad," Alistair murmured before leaning in to give Jowan another sweet, deep kiss. It didn't last as long as the first one, but it was just as good, making something inside Alistair flutter from excitement.

They remained like that for some time, just talking, laughing and kissing. Alistair was having a hard time deciding on which part he had liked best, but he couldn't deny that every part of it felt fantastic.  
Outside the sound of the bell was heard, signalising that it was nearing midnight, which made Alistair get up somewhat reluctantly. "I should go," he murmured. "It is getting late."

"I know," Jowan said with a small smile, standing up with Alistair so he could follow him to the door of his room.  
"Thank you for coming tonight, Alistair," he murmured as Alistair stepped outside, smiling at his new-found love. "You... You have truly made me happy tonight."

"Not as happy as you have made me," Alistair murmured, leaning in to give his love one last kiss for the night.  
"I will see you tomorrow? For dinner, perhaps?"

"Anything you want," Jowan murmured after returning the kiss.

"Then tomorrow, Jowan," Alistair confirmed. "Good night, Jowan."

"Good night, Alistair."

Alistair smiled happily before turning to head back to his room, his steps feeling lighter and his heart soaring with happiness.  
Jowan had said yes. Yes to liking him and yes to him courting him.

It was a strange, unknown feeling, but welcome all the same. He felt giddy, like he wanted to run to the rooftops and shout out so that all of the Keep would know of his happiness.  
Nothing could possibly ruin his mood now.

Absolutely nothing.


End file.
